Change is Coming

Husband was given notice that the position he is in is going away, but they offer to pay for his schooling of he chooses option B. Per his boss, he "makes too much money". They are cutting down hours, which means that nice raise I just got makes up for the hours he won't have.

So here we are. He is applying all over for jobs (both in Portland and Vancouver), and I am working, praying, and supporting him.

I think the hardest part is not allowing his negative past to keep him down. All his life he was told by his father or his ex-wife what a " failure" he is/was. All I see is a man that is determined to do the best he can, and he does amazing at it. His skills are amazing, but he doesn't see that. He fell just shy of finishing his degree 10 years ago, and now the credits aren't counting.

Decisions need to be made. Our lease is up in October and we know we will be moving..again. We need something smaller, and easier to live in if we end up with one income. We aren't having kids, so a small one bedroom will be what we got back to. We have to be realistic and accept life as it comes. We have been through harder times and made it through. I have an amazing and stable job, so no worries there.

The search to finish school is a hard one. It's a lot of money and a lot of insecurity on our part. Do we move to Idaho and finish there? Or to Provo, UT and finish there? Do we stay in Portland and finish, but for twice the cost? Can we afford to move? If we do move, how do we get the money to move, and where do we stay?

The search for a new job is hard too. Does he stay, get his certification and do something he hates? Does he look and possibly not find anything (he will, there is no worries from me)? If he looks, where to look?

It's time to pray, and pray earnestly. It's time to give 100% faith to God now. To know that what he has planned for us is good, and will work out. It's time to atop all the negative and reemphasize the positive. It's the time to take a new look at life and say, "Where do we want to go and how do we get there?"

I'm back!

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since I last posted on here. I started a new blog for all the baby related rants (see www.babytaco2014.Blogspot.com) and realized all posts were heading there! Time to get back on track!!

My biggest kick lately, outside of being infertile, is exercise. (Wow, had trouble spelling that!) We had some photos do e in October for our adoption, and I realized how FAT I really am!! I've always been about a size 20 and around 255 pounds, but I've never felt I was that big. I felt about 100 less and was doing good. We got those photos back and I cringed! All those rolls!! What a belly!!

I made a goal right then and there to become more active and trying RUNNING! Starting in January I downloaded the RunKeeper app on my phone and took off! As of today I have logged over 150 miles! (This app doesn't count all walking and running, so keep that in mind). I got really motivated when I noticed clothes were starting to fit a little loose and falling off. I was looking and feeling fantastic! Around the end of May I started slowing down. I had joined a gym and was going almost every day, but working out alone and keeping up the motivation is becoming harder and harder. We were planning our sealing and I got busy in the details of that day. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew, I had taken over two weeks off from running. When I would start back up, I would get horrible shin splints and my legs hurt. I didn't want to push it, so I went to two runs a week at 2-3 miles each. Not too bad, but not at all where I was before.

So here it is July 9th, and I am still slowly getting back into running. We were given a treadmill to use, but the speed is off and it's pretty loud. I've used it only about 4 or 5 times in the month we have had it. Its easier to just head outside!

Also, my work schedule has changed. I got a pretty hefty promotion and with it my hours have changed. I was getting off around 2:30 and had a solid hour and a half to kill before the his and got home. I would get on my gym clothes and head to the gym. Not any more! I am now off at 5, and usually am so worn out when I get home. I just want to sit and relax, and then head to bed. I tried to get up with the husband at 5:45 and walk with him to the train, followed by a walk. That worked for about a week. I'm starting that back up this week. It helps getting that 90 minutes back, but I am NOT a morning person.

It's so weird to look back at a year ago. In this year we have changed. Not only into a new apartment, but our lives changed. I have an adorable nephew, the relationship we have as husband and wife is stronger than ever, new jobs, new lives. The stress of infertility is slowly slipping away as we embrace the life we have, not the one we wish for. I'm looking forward to where life is taking us.

Our next step in life is a big one, and I am ready for it.

Space Case

Life is known to be overwhelming. I get that. But for these last 2 months, I just feel so overwhelmed and I just sit and cry. I didn't want to move.

We had dreams and hope. We had a plan A and when that fell through we had a plan B. Who knew ONE person could take away my hopes and dreams? I believe God has a plan. And as part of this plan, we are in this tiny, cramped, stinky apartment for a reason. It all fell into place to be here, so I might as well start enjoying it.. right?

I hate moving. I hate the packing up, leaving friends, unpacking, figuring life out. We move about once a year (sometimes more depending on life). I'm so over it. I did NOT want to move this last time, but thought we would be in a house right now. A house with a yard, and an excuse to buy paint. A yard for the dog, stairs, space.. *sigh*.

I know this is coming off as one giant complaint, but that's because it is.

Here's what I'm feeling: my friends are gone, though they are just a few miles away. My home is in chaos. Though looking at it, you would be impressed that in just 2 weeks we are 90% unpacked and organized. But to me it's a mess. I no longer have the motivation to do the simplest of things like the dishes. It's not like me to let dishes sit in the sink after making a meal. But the pots in the sink have been there since Thursday. I just do not have the energy anymore. Same with laundry. I takes so much just to do laundry lately. It isn't like I have a ton to do either. There is just two of us, and I really only have 2-3 loads a week. I only get motivated when the husband is out of underwear or work pants. It really takes a lot for me to WANT to do these.

I blame my depression. It's back and in full force. If it were up to it, I'd be in bed all day. Literally. I would get out to use the restroom and that's it. No food, no nothing. My poor husband. He's such a support. He understands life is hard right now. He sees me cry and wants to help, but I don't know how to rewind time. I want to go back to 5 years ago. When life was still promising. I wasn't struggling with 5 years of infertility. I wasn't moving around from apartment to apartment. Life was pretty decent. I had a good job, sort of, we were in a new relationship with all the butterflies (I still have those, so no need to go back to that).

It's just different now. Life is stable. We have good jobs, good money, a good place to live. I am married to an incredible man who would move the earth and more for me. I should be on cloud 9 all the time, but instead I just want to cry and sleep. All... the... time.

I miss my daughter, I yearn for kids of our own, I want to take these vacations I see all our friends going on, I want to just be that happy person I know that I deserve to be. I want to have weekly girls' nights and actually have people show up (it's usually just me and the dog). I want friends to help me when I need help, to be there to do things with. ..

That's enough for now. Time to put on a happy face, make some cookies, and get ready to help out a dear friend.

First Days suck... so far.

Today is the first day of middle school for my little one, and its another reminder that I will never see a "first day" of hers...

I can't wait to adopt and have a child I can raise...

Up Next for us!

Well, hello there!

I feel like I haven't blogged in a really long time. Probably because I haven't! We have been having a very busy summer! Here's what has happened, what's going on, and what's going to change in our lives in the next year!

Start of summer means lots of road trips and CAMPING!!!!! I love camping!! July 4th we did nothing. Literally. Husband got called in to work until 8:30 pm (or later, I don't remember) so I spent the day alone. It sucked. Luckily, that weekend was filled with lots and lots of people! We spent the weekend near Seaside, OR at a family cabin owned by my old boss and her family. It is in the middle of nowhere with NO cell phone reception, so I was in Heaven!!!!
Here's a view of where we stayed:


That following Monday, I decided that we should have a few friends over for a BBQ and to eat some of the left over food from the camping trip. We ended up having 20 people in our tiny apartment! It was so fun! We spent most of the night out at the pool since it was pretty hot outside!

That following weekend we were supposed to be spending in Seattle with Elizabeth Madsen Photography, but we had a few issues come up that prevented up from going (pretty much, we were too broke to go). Friday night was my husband's birthday, so we invited a bunch of friends and had dinner (though only 4 friends showed up).  We ended up staying at the restaurant waiting on friends (the poor puppy was in the car this whole time!!!). 4 hours later..

I did make my first batch of freezer jam!! I had ordered 18 pounds of strawberries through church. It didn't seem like that much until I tried to store it all! I gave 6 pounds away, another 6 went bad from leaving them in the fridge too long, and with the last 6 i attempted my first ever jam. It tastes great, but I didn't add enough pectin so when i take them out of the freezer, I will have to add more to get it to set like jam. Here's what they look like:


That Tuesday, we went to a free seminar put on by Oregon Reproductive Medicine. They specialize in IVF and other means of getting pregnant. I wanted to know to get more information and for total curiosity in case we ever decide to do it or use a surrogate. Holy expensive!!! Kudos to those that can afford it! The realization that adoption might be our best bet was evident. More on that later..

July 19th we took a road trip down south to Eugene, OR. Neither of us had been there, so why not? As we were heading out of town, we were witnesses to an accident. The small brown car was just in front of us in the other lane. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Just insane! After, we dropped off dinner to a friend who had just had a double mastectomy (the same friend that I shaved my hair off for).

 We stayed in a crappy hotel in Springfield, but were able to see some fun things while in town! Saturday, we drove to French Pete Campground in the Willamette Forest. On our way there we ran into a covered bridge!

We were spending the day with some friends (the ones that own the cabin we had gone to earlier). I was not doing to great physically ( more details on that anther time.. if ever) so I spent most of the day in the shade, along the lake. Not too shabby! It was fantastic just to sit and relax for once. Again, in the middle of nowhere. Here's the crew heading out on the boat:




Here is the lake we were at:

It was amazing. The next day, we spent around Eugene geocaching (very addicting and fun if you haven't done it). This is a few of the places we went to to find some goecaches:

Dorris Ranch Park.

 Auzten Stadium (home of the Oregon Ducks):



A little white church in Brownsville, OR.
We took our time coming back home. The dog was staying with some friends, so we took advantage of much needed quiet time.

The following weekend (this past weekend) was spent back in my home town of Kennewick, WA. The plan was to pick up my wedding dress, go see my daughter (do some shopping), watch boat races and head home. Well... I get a call from step-mom that kid #2 has a fever and shopping has been cancelled. NO!!! i was really looking forward to seeing my little one! So instead, we parked and watched the boat races:



REWIND!! In between all this insanity, I was throwing a wedding shower for a coworker. I was being all sneaky and calling it "Christmas in July" and being all covert. I did a LOT of planning and details... all for a 20 minute shower!! It took me (and 4 helpers) over an hour to set up, and it was all taken down within 45 minutes!
Lesson learned: no more showers at work. ever. ever.

So that's what's been going on..


Here's what's coming up.

Big news- I'm married to a college man!!! Husband got accepted to the BYU-Idaho Pathways program for Healthcare Administration! It is a 4 year degree! He started a degree in Accounting, but was forced (by the ex) to drop out. Seven years later, he's back!! This is top priority right now! We are rearranging schedules and our lives for the next however many years it takes to get this DONE! I'm so excited!! He officially starts some time in September! yay!

Next up- moving.. again. Not that we want to. Our lease is officially up tomorrow (July 31st). We are not renewing... yet. We would really like to get into a 3 bedroom house, but just aren't finding anything under $1500 a month to rent in the exact area we want (our ward boundaries). We keep looking! We would end up getting a roomie to help with costs until Ben is done with school and swimming in the money. Specifically, we want a yard for the dog. He is being walked Mon-Fri by friends, but it is costing us $50 a week to that. And it adds up!

*side note* Poor Elway was attacked by fleas! I am diligent on his flea treatment, but they got him! He was super itchy, so i bought some anti-itch shampoo. While washing him and scrubbing, I saw a flea! A dead one, but I got it! I put it in a baggie to show the vet. We took him in and he was given an oral flea treatment (doing that from now on!) and is on steroids to fight the itch. Over a week later and he is itch free and where he lost hair, it's coming back.

Back to the news.

More big news- since making a kid on our own (the old fashioned way) isn't working out, we are going to start the adoption process! We are going to get settled in school and housing, and then contact LDS Family Services (I really, really want a newborn) as well as the Department of Human Services (cause it is free to adopt through them) too set up appointments for the next step!!

We are both more than ready for a little one of our own. It's nice that we have friends popping out kids left and right, but it sucks for us. In the 4 years of marriage, we have had friends working on kid #3 or 4! We just want ONE!!!! Dealing with the struggles of infertility SUCK!! Not just a little either. I hold babies at church and I just cry. I cry because my heart aches to hold my own child again. I see all the complaints online and I just want to yell and scream!!  I would give anything to have to wake up in the middle of the night for a crying baby. I would love to complain of a backache due to pregnancy!!  I want to wear maternity clothes because I am pregnant, not because they fit good. I want to buy baby stuff for US, not for all of our friends and my sister. It's hard. Harder than anyone knows. When I find out I have other friends dealing with the same thing, I cling to them. I love knowing I'm not the only one that struggles with this frustration!!

Enough with the rant.

Coming up next (this weekend) in our lives: finally taking the trip to Seattle!!! We have a friend getting married in Seattle, so we are coming to support him. BUT this was the weekend I was supposed to be in Denver for my sister's baby shower (more baby talk). I was going to surprise her, but no. I am so emotional over this. It is so hard to think about. I want to be there so bad for her. I wasn't allowed to go to my baby/wedding shower. ** Story behind that: my ex is an ass. My family wanted to keep the shower a surprise, so they wouldn't tell him or me what was going on. He did NOT like this. He liked to know where I was at all the time. Literally. My family just simply said they would pick me up, and that was the end of that. I fought and cried to go. The shower went on without me. My mom still says, "You could have gone, you just chose not to." NO!! I didn't have a voice back then. What he said went, end of story. I would give ANYTHING to have been at that shower!!!  I've already decided, I am going all out when we finally have a kid. I want to make up for that shower. I will know when, where, what... I WILL be there!!**

It's a sore spot. Can you tell?

Time to start "Our Story" for the adoption process. It's a small book all about how awesome we are. Pictures, stories... things to show why we are awesome people, and why a birth mother should trust us to raise her child!

I'll start that later though. I need tv or book time. I'm reading "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult (I think that's how you spell her name).

Thanks for reading!