Crazy to think that seven years has passed since I moved out of Arizona and away from the father of my child. It was such an amazing day. I don't remember too much, but I did find a photo from that day. My ex wanted to take a picture "to remember the day you left". He's such an ass.
Life has been incredible since then. There have been a few dips, but I am on my way up right now. Life is great.
4.26.2013
3.19.2013
Keeping Zipped Up
"Wow - it's amazing the lies people tell especially when people who know the truth see every comment you post. I don't get the point in making up stories that never happened just to get some sympathy. Maybe you should see a therapist to get the sympathy..."
That was what my sister posted on Facebook. I know what she is referring to. It was a comment I had made on a photograph of a lady who is pregnant, but will never raise her child. I noted that I had been there and felt her pain.
But that's just the thing, I have been through so much heartache and sorrow over the last 14 years, and about 2% of it my family knows about. They hear what I feel they need to know, and that is it. The hardest part is that it is my family. The one group of people that should be there when you go through heartache. I have experienced more in my 32 years than any woman will ever go through.
I have a very small, close group of friends that I trust with my life- none of my family is in that circle. They were the ones I called when I was in the ER a number of times. They are the ones that when I fell, helped be back up, brought me food and let me cry on their shoulder.
My husband has been my biggest supporter. He has been there in the ER with me. He's held my hand while we recieved horrible news of losses. He has been my rock. I know that it takes its toll, but I try to hold it all in. I am only human.
I have had a lot of great things happen as well. Those things I am more than happy to share with family. Accomplishments personally, with my daughter, with jobs. But nothing that causes the tears. Nothing that I should be going to them for.
And it hurts. It hurts more than I will allow myself to dwell on.
So this is it. I'm shutting up. I'm only telling about the good in my life. No more sadness or sorrow. No more tears to shed. I'm done worrying or wondering.
That was what my sister posted on Facebook. I know what she is referring to. It was a comment I had made on a photograph of a lady who is pregnant, but will never raise her child. I noted that I had been there and felt her pain.
But that's just the thing, I have been through so much heartache and sorrow over the last 14 years, and about 2% of it my family knows about. They hear what I feel they need to know, and that is it. The hardest part is that it is my family. The one group of people that should be there when you go through heartache. I have experienced more in my 32 years than any woman will ever go through.
I have a very small, close group of friends that I trust with my life- none of my family is in that circle. They were the ones I called when I was in the ER a number of times. They are the ones that when I fell, helped be back up, brought me food and let me cry on their shoulder.
My husband has been my biggest supporter. He has been there in the ER with me. He's held my hand while we recieved horrible news of losses. He has been my rock. I know that it takes its toll, but I try to hold it all in. I am only human.
I have had a lot of great things happen as well. Those things I am more than happy to share with family. Accomplishments personally, with my daughter, with jobs. But nothing that causes the tears. Nothing that I should be going to them for.
And it hurts. It hurts more than I will allow myself to dwell on.
So this is it. I'm shutting up. I'm only telling about the good in my life. No more sadness or sorrow. No more tears to shed. I'm done worrying or wondering.
3.10.2013
For ME Alone.
One of the best things available is music. The words, the sound, the feeling. I was asked a few months ago to sing in church a few months ago but, due to a sinus infection, I had lost my singing voice. So a few weeks ago the offer was again given. I usually turn it down unless I am joined by at least one or two others. I love singing, but don't have the confidence to do a solo like I used to. Besides sinus issues, I now have a tori (a bone on the roof of your mouth) that restricts me in singing.
I had asked one of the missionaries to accompany me since he is an amazing piano player. On Wednesday, we got together to practice. He had only played it a few times, and I had never sung it outside of my living room.
It just worked. There were a couple slip ups, and I was rushing the song, but after a few practices it worked out. I think we will run through it once before church starts, and then onto doing it live! There have been many prayers said already this morning asking for comfort and piece.
The song, "For Me Alone" by Sally DeFord, is about the fact the Christ died for me as well as those I love. That no matter what happens, HE will come and be there for me. I have been through a lot in life, and this song was just what I needed right now.
Some of the lyrics:
But if I alone had stumbled,
if I alone had strayed,
if I alone had wondered from the straight and narrow way,
if I alone bore guilt for which I alone could never atone,
He would have come for me.
For me alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2A0v7lFtFI
I had asked one of the missionaries to accompany me since he is an amazing piano player. On Wednesday, we got together to practice. He had only played it a few times, and I had never sung it outside of my living room.
It just worked. There were a couple slip ups, and I was rushing the song, but after a few practices it worked out. I think we will run through it once before church starts, and then onto doing it live! There have been many prayers said already this morning asking for comfort and piece.
The song, "For Me Alone" by Sally DeFord, is about the fact the Christ died for me as well as those I love. That no matter what happens, HE will come and be there for me. I have been through a lot in life, and this song was just what I needed right now.
Some of the lyrics:
But if I alone had stumbled,
if I alone had strayed,
if I alone had wondered from the straight and narrow way,
if I alone bore guilt for which I alone could never atone,
He would have come for me.
For me alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2A0v7lFtFI
2.28.2013
Head. Hurts.
So I was reading through old posts and I mention being sick a lot. Well, we have figured out why. And by we I mean my wonderful ENT. I'm allergic to EVERYTHING!!!! Well, everything in the Pacific Northwest! Outside things, inside things... mostly my own dog!
I am on meds, doing immunotherapy (ouch) and hating all of it! On top if it, I possibly have vertigo (where you are randomly dizzy). Going to do a Function Balance Test at a local hospital next week. Here's to hoping!
I am on meds, doing immunotherapy (ouch) and hating all of it! On top if it, I possibly have vertigo (where you are randomly dizzy). Going to do a Function Balance Test at a local hospital next week. Here's to hoping!
Dear Jen.
Jen,
What a crazy few months this has been. I heard that on Dec 11 you went out to get Christmas gifts, never made it back home, and then I hear today that there was a body found that might be yours. How can this have happened? What happened?
I have kept in contact with Remy, but it's been hard. I've done my best to keep thoughts positive and keep out hope that you would come home to your kids. There was a rumor that you had suddenly lost a lot of weight and stopped doing your amazing art work. What was going on? We used to talk all the time! I feel bad now for the days when we didn't talk.
You have been my strength these last 10 years. You were the ONE person I could go to and vent to about what was going on. You were there for me before, during and after the divorce. I was so happy to talk with you about how our kids were "getting so big" and all the changes in life. I was so happy to have found you online and chat with you late at night about life. Talk to someone who would listen to me ramble on and on.
I have said so many prayers asking for your to be safe. Asking Heavenly Father to comfort those that needed comforting during this time. And He has. I knew from the moment I heard you were missing that you were safe. I didn't understand why I felt that, but I did. Was it that you were safe in Heaven? That whatever wrong had happened, you were now safe and away from harm?
There was a thought going around that you had run off with another man. Really?! Do they not know you? Your life was for Remy and those kids. You were simply finally getting healthy and fit, and that's why the weight loss. Look at your husband! I wouldn't want to be fat either around him!
I just want to say this. I love you so much. I am so thankful to know you. I am thankful for our friendship. For the sincere love and appreciation you have given me. If you are up in Heaven, please watch over my babies. Keep them safe and teach them what an amazing mommy I am. When they get to Earth, they will know of you. They will know of your love and kindness. They will know of my friend that is always with me, no matter what.
I look forward to the day that we can talk again. I miss your hugs and your laugh.
I will see you soon, my friend.
Love,
S.
http://jenniferramsaran.blogspot.com/
What a crazy few months this has been. I heard that on Dec 11 you went out to get Christmas gifts, never made it back home, and then I hear today that there was a body found that might be yours. How can this have happened? What happened?
I have kept in contact with Remy, but it's been hard. I've done my best to keep thoughts positive and keep out hope that you would come home to your kids. There was a rumor that you had suddenly lost a lot of weight and stopped doing your amazing art work. What was going on? We used to talk all the time! I feel bad now for the days when we didn't talk.
You have been my strength these last 10 years. You were the ONE person I could go to and vent to about what was going on. You were there for me before, during and after the divorce. I was so happy to talk with you about how our kids were "getting so big" and all the changes in life. I was so happy to have found you online and chat with you late at night about life. Talk to someone who would listen to me ramble on and on.
I have said so many prayers asking for your to be safe. Asking Heavenly Father to comfort those that needed comforting during this time. And He has. I knew from the moment I heard you were missing that you were safe. I didn't understand why I felt that, but I did. Was it that you were safe in Heaven? That whatever wrong had happened, you were now safe and away from harm?
There was a thought going around that you had run off with another man. Really?! Do they not know you? Your life was for Remy and those kids. You were simply finally getting healthy and fit, and that's why the weight loss. Look at your husband! I wouldn't want to be fat either around him!
I just want to say this. I love you so much. I am so thankful to know you. I am thankful for our friendship. For the sincere love and appreciation you have given me. If you are up in Heaven, please watch over my babies. Keep them safe and teach them what an amazing mommy I am. When they get to Earth, they will know of you. They will know of your love and kindness. They will know of my friend that is always with me, no matter what.
I look forward to the day that we can talk again. I miss your hugs and your laugh.
I will see you soon, my friend.
Love,
S.
http://jenniferramsaran.blogspot.com/
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