For ME Alone (part 2)

So on the Sunday I was to sing the song, I had lost my voice. I had a lump and crap in it and just couldn't sing. I warmed up singing the hymns, and then it was my turn.

The emotions of the day finally hit me. I was tired, stressed, missing my friend... and this song is powerful.

I got through the first few lines before I started to cry. I let the missionary that was accompanying me continue to play. I came in again at the chorus, but was only able to get a few words out before beginning to cry again.

This song is very personal. "For Me Alone" is a song for those of us that have struggled and wondered if it was all worth it. It speaks of Jesus up on the cross for ME. Not for anyone else.

The song ended and I smiled, grabbed my music and started to walk out to the hallway. My husband followed me out and we stood in the kitchen while I cried. I had so many emotions in me that I hadn't let out. Greif and pain and sadness all was there. I have had a harder life then I will ever let on or tell anyone. My fmaily knows a small part of it, and my husband knows what he needs to know. I don't regret the life I've had, I just regret not having that support system sooner.

It's been amazing becoming part of a group of strong women who are here to help me and be there for me while we get through this next chapter of life.

Lucky #7

Crazy to think that seven years has passed since I moved out of Arizona and away from the father of my child. It was such an amazing day. I don't remember too much, but I did find a photo from that day. My ex wanted to take a picture "to remember the day you left". He's such an ass.

Life has been incredible since then. There have been a few dips, but I am on my way up right now. Life is great.

Keeping Zipped Up

"Wow - it's amazing the lies people tell especially when people who know the truth see every comment you post. I don't get the point in making up stories that never happened just to get some sympathy. Maybe you should see a therapist to get the sympathy..."

That was what my sister posted on Facebook. I know what she is referring to. It was a comment I had made on a photograph of a lady who is pregnant, but will never raise her child. I noted that I had been there and felt her pain.

But that's just the thing, I have been through so much heartache and sorrow over the last 14 years, and about 2% of it my family knows about. They hear what I feel they need to know, and that is it. The hardest part is that it is my family. The one group of people that should be there when you go through heartache. I have experienced more in my 32 years than any woman will ever go through.

I have a very small, close group of friends that I trust with my life- none of my family is in that circle. They were the ones I called when I was in the ER a number of times. They are the ones that when I fell, helped be back up, brought me food and let me cry on their shoulder.

My husband has been my biggest supporter. He has been there in the ER with me. He's held my hand while we recieved horrible news of losses. He has been my rock. I know that it takes its toll, but I try to hold it all in. I am only human.

I have had a lot of great things happen as well. Those things I am more than happy to share with family. Accomplishments personally, with my daughter, with jobs. But nothing that causes the tears. Nothing that I should be going to them for.

And it hurts. It hurts more than I will allow myself to dwell on.

So this is it. I'm shutting up. I'm only telling about the good in my life. No more sadness or sorrow. No more tears to shed. I'm done worrying or wondering.

For ME Alone.

One of the best things available is music. The words, the sound, the feeling. I was asked a few months ago to sing in church a few months ago but, due to a sinus infection, I had lost my singing voice. So a few weeks ago the offer was again given. I usually turn it down unless I am joined by at least one or two others. I love singing, but don't have the confidence to do a solo like I used to. Besides sinus issues, I now have a tori (a bone on the roof of your mouth) that restricts me in singing.

I had asked one of the missionaries to accompany me since he is an amazing piano player. On Wednesday, we got together to practice. He had only played it a few times, and I had never sung it outside of my living room.

It just worked. There were a couple slip ups, and I was rushing the song, but after a few practices it worked out. I think we will run through it once before church starts, and then onto doing it live! There have been many prayers said already this morning asking for comfort and piece.

The song, "For Me Alone" by Sally DeFord, is about the fact the Christ died for me as well as those I love. That no matter what happens, HE will come and be there for me. I have been through a lot in life, and this song was just what I needed right now.

Some of the lyrics:
But if I alone had stumbled,
if I alone had strayed,
if I alone had wondered from the straight and narrow way,
if I alone bore guilt for which I alone could never atone,
He would have come for me.
For me alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2A0v7lFtFI

Head. Hurts.

So I was reading through old posts and I mention being sick a lot. Well, we have figured out why. And by we I mean my wonderful ENT. I'm allergic to EVERYTHING!!!! Well, everything in the Pacific Northwest! Outside things, inside things... mostly my own dog!

I am on meds, doing immunotherapy (ouch) and hating all of it! On top if it, I possibly have vertigo (where you are randomly dizzy). Going to do a Function Balance Test at a local hospital next week. Here's to hoping!