I just want to sleep and sleep

In a time when things are going perfect, I find that my world around me isn't as great as I thought it would have been. People who I thought were friends- aren't. I have two friends who are having a baby shower next Saturday, and I can't bring myself to go. I want to, but not being able to have children of my own is really getting to me. Month after month of trying, and only being told "no" is starting to wear on me. There is the saying, "When it is meant to happen, it will." Well, I need that to be now! LOL.

I know it is silly of me to get so depressed about it, but I am. Just the thought of going to either of those showers and I start crying. Maybe it isn't our time to get pregnant. But, there is a chance that i may never be able to have anymore children. We've talked about adoption, and I am more than ok with that. We have names picked out. I know what stroller and are seat I want. I know what I want in the nursery. We have been on Fertility treatments for several months now, and for what? So I have my hopes let down every fricking time my period starts? I have all of the books, and have done all the charting. We have seen a fertility specialist. I am emotionally tapped out. We have one more month with Clomid (a drug that stimulates ovulation) and if that doesn't work, I am considering being put on the pill and not trying for a year or more.

Ironically, things with the move are going pretty good. The job I was going to have when we move there fell through, but we are still moving. We were debating on what part of Portland to move to. We had 2 places in mind. When we called the first, we were told that the only way we could move in and not have jobs is if we have $19,000 in our savings. So that option was out. The place we liked in Vancouver was next. Ben called and got some good news. This is a place where the residents love where the live and never move. For the first time in 2 years, the floorplan that we wanted was available. It had only been available for a few days. Talk about timing. If that isn't confirmation that we are meant to be there... My goodness. We still need to find jobs, but I am putting in applications and calling people every day. I do my follow-ups, I have talked with friends... I'm ready.

I had oral surgery yesterday and am on a significant amount of pain medication today because of it. So, if most of this hasn't made sense, or seems not like me. I blame the pain meds.

Best Show EVER!!

I meant to post these sooner, but... didn't.

For my birthday, I won tickets to see the French band Phoenix here in Denver. I love this band and seeing them LIVE was amazing. The afternoon before the show we went and saw the band perform an acoustic version of their songs "1901" and "Litzomania" at the radio station. Afterwards, we got to take a picture with the band and I took a second to chat it up with the lead singer, Tomas, and just shoot the breeze. Wonderful guys. They have been together for over 20 years, but this album, "Wolfgang Amedeus" was their big break. If you have a chance to see them- DO IT!!!!!!!!!! They are coming to Denver again in August and I totally want to go while we are back here for Bekah's wedding.

Here are a few pics from my phone that I took at the concert. They aren't the best. When I upload the ones on my camera, I'll post them too.

NEXT!

I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Do you ever get to the point at work where you just want to give up? Where you don't get the praise that you used to get and you just feel.... stuck? Maybe it's the move. Maybe it's the gloomy grey clouds, but that's how I feel. I feel so unwanted. My boss loves me and will hate to see me go (I'm kind of her "golden child"), but as far as some of my co-workers, they'll miss me but not too much.

I don't know.. I just am getting the urge to move. I'm ready to start over. New job, new friends, new community. I'm ready to see my daughter as much as I can. Details are pretty much 100% as far as the move. We have a schedule, a place to live and work waiting for me in Portland. Ben hates his job here, I'm getting sick of mine. It's just... blah.

Snow in May. I'm gonna miss it.

I am loving life right now. Work is a breeze, my friends are fantastic and I have a wonderful and supportive husband. Our move to Portland is coming along nicely. Just have to finalize where exactly we are going to live and sit and play the waiting game to move.

If it were up to me, we would have moved already. But, it is quite expensive to fly from Portland to Albuquerque for Ben to go to Jake's baptism next month. So, we will wait. Per Google the trip would take 29 hours of straight driving. We are going to turn that into just over a week. A night or two in New Mexico, a few nights in Idaho and night in Kennewick and then off to the new home in Hillsboro, Oregon.

I'm excited for all of the new change. I'll miss my family and my fantastic friends here in Denver. But, we will be back in August for Bekah's wedding! And yes, we will be in Denver long enough to see friends, enjoy family and then get on back to the real world.

I will keep you updated on the move. Eventually, I will even put some pictures up here!

Til then...

Heading West..

What do you do when everything is leading towards something big that can make your life possibly better? Well, if you are my husband, you start doubting if it will all work out.

I learned any years ago that if you have faith and put your life in God's hands, everything seems to just... work. A few years ago when I moved to Dallas, TX I started out wanting to move there because my daughter and her father had just moved there. I found out through a friend, that she knew of someone looking for a roommate. So, I had a place to live when I moved there. As for a job, I put up a post on a website on the local church site stating what I did for a living and what I was looking for. I got an email back about a possible job offer. So, what did I do? I took a couple days off of work, packed up everything I owned into my little PT Cruiser and drove to Dallas. No job secured, just my faith that everything would work out. I did my interview on Thursday and was hired on Friday. I started work that Monday. I loved my job, but got selfish and moved back to CO.

I'm back at that point again. I have an amazing job, and love what I do, but my daughter has moved to WA (back home to Kennewick) and her dad and step-mom have offered that if I was to move closer, then seeing my daughter would be a reality. As it is, I only see her 2 times a year. It sucks. I want to be involved in her life more, but for the past 5 years have accepted that wasn't going to happen.

Ben and I have talked jokingly about moving to the Portland, OR area. Now that I am in my position at work, I realize how easy it would be for me to be hired on at another Home Health Agency in Portland or Vancouver, WA. At the same time, we found out that our apartment complex has another property in Vancouver, WA which means our cost to move would be nothing as far as getting out of our lease. We would just transfer to the other property. Its what we did here. We moved from our location 5 miles away to here. Since we are moving more than 50 miles, there is no transfer fee. (Saves us $500) To rent a truck and move would cost us $2000. So, we are thinking of putting most of what we own on Craig's List and use the money we get towards new furniture when we move. So, we have a place to live when we get there. That is taken care of. As far as jobs, it will be another test of our faith.

If I could, I'd fly in, take a day to go to all of the Home Health agencies around Vancouver and Portland and find the ones that are hiring and BAM! start up in a couple of weeks.

There are a couple of glitches that make moving right away not good. My step-son will be here to visit for a week in June and then he is getting baptized into our church at the end of the month. Depending on his baptism date, kind of determines when we would move.

Ok, enough about it for now. Time to be productive and make the most of the Saturday.

What a Blessing this life is...

Last weekend was my 30th birthday. Hooray! I'm so done with my 20s! We spent the weekend in Salt Lake City, mostly to see our amazing friend, Marci join us in the world of married people.

We drove down Friday night (my birthday) and then Saturday morning we woke up early, made the trek to SLC's Temple Square. The second I stepped onto the grounds, a sense of calm came over me. I felt so much peace in me be there. Seeing the temple surrounded by pink blossoms, gorgeous flowers and the smell of lilacs in the air. Taking time to just sit and enjoy it was amazing. I took the chance to just enjoy being there. Marci and Jeff came out of the temple and I couldn't stop smiling!! What a fantastic morning!

We ended up spending most of the day in Temple Square. We took the carriage ride, we did the visitor's centers, shopped at Deseret Book, we did it all.

It was fantastic. It was a great time to just get away from it all- work, family, stress. Fantastic timing too.

More later about some big news we have!!!

Holy Heck!

Just wanna say one thing real quick:

St. Patrick's Day sober SUCKS!

Someone have a Guinness for me.. or two.

The end.

I am NOT going, but I want to.

So everyone in my family (girls that is) are going on a cruise from San Diego to Mexico. Was I even asked to go? No! Do I want to go? HELL YES!!! I have the time off and the money, time for a Carribean cruise next year.. LOL

I never get asked to go with my family on trips. In 2000 my entire family went to PA to visit my dad's side of the family- I wasn't asked to go. My brother's wedding in VA, again wasn't asked to join. My family assumes I don't have the time or money to go. Of course I do!! I know how to save up money. $2000 to go to Ireland/England- I'll be there.

Just getting tired of hearing about everyone else going on trips and not being asked to join.

It's quite annoying.

What a fun day... HA!

Work started out with NO motivation to do anything (which was appearantly going all over the office). Then, I went home to go to lunch and the neighbor had been evicted. Per the front office- all items were "take what you want". So, we did. Daybed, trundle frame, dvd player, garment bag (been needing one for a while now), gorgeous bookcase as well as a couple little things. Little did we know.. it wasn't off to Goodwill like we thought. A couple of other people (including someone with a truck and trailer) picked through things. Around 4:30 the owner of the items showed up. Oh well.

Should I feel guilty at the expense of someone's misfortune? No. He's 22. He got EVICTED!! I got a new bed.

End of that!

Time for a much needed update.

While I sit here watching Paranomal State, I will take the opportunity to update date this.

First up- I am back to using my degree!! After a 3 year break, I'm working for a Home Health agency here in Denver. I was hired to get the office back in shape, and 3 weeks in was promoted to the ONLY data entry person when my coworker accepted a position somewhere else. So, the stress is up. I can handle this- right?

Next, we're moving.... again. After the first week in our new apartment it became very apparent that we weren't going to be here soon. Last month we finally decided that we were going to leave. A good friend of ours was going through a horrible marriage and was leaving her spouse. Now that I work with her, we thought that we should all move in together and save money. Sounds good, right?

Well, last week she left and moved in with us in our tiny 2 bedroom apartment with her 6 year old, a dog and the cat. Talk about chaos!!! Having her move in was a good thing. We've come to realize that we can not do this whole living together thing. Glad we know before we were stuck with a huge monthly payment! Needless to say, we still are moving. Got a great new place (big so that when we have visitors/kids/babies? there is room).

A couple of weeks ago I got the opportunity to visit with Kira. What a blast!! We went to dinner, did some shopping. On my second day there, we went to an outdoorsman sporting expo. Bottomline, my daughter shot her first gun!! It was such a proud moment (pictures to come later). She also caught a fish, shot a crossbow and overall had a fun time. Ironically, her dad had recommended doing it as a joke and it ended up being a blast!!

We'll be in Seattle in May, but wont be able to go to Kennewick though. Its for a wedding reception, so the timing wouldn't work. Oh well... another time.

That's all for now. Internet is limited, so I'll see what I can do. Thanks for reading!