What if....

I was going through the main wall on Facebook and am seeing so many people with their new babies, professional family photos, etc. and it's got me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy for my dear friends who are getting the chance to finally become parents for the first time. Sad, because there is very little chance that Ben and I will ever get the opportunity to hold our own little child in my arms. But then I look at pictures of my own daughter. She brings me so much joy and laughter. It's been hard living so far from her. I talk to her on a weekly basis and see her as often as our schedules allow, but it's not the same.

Having the two girls that I nanny is helping me right now. I love walking through the door in the morning and hearing, "SARAH!! YOU'RE HERE!". It makes my face light up. Their hugs and laughter are sincere. I may be wasting my college degree by being a nanny instead of working 40+ hours/week, but I'm happy- and isn't that what matters most?

I'm catching myself starting to get somewhat negative about life lately. Jealous of others when I have no right to be. I have a supporting and loving husband, a beautiful and smart daughter, a job that brings me joy. What more is there?

I've thought about life's "What if" moments a lot lately. Thinking back on some of the decisions I've made over the past 13 years. My moves, my jobs, my friends, my ex-husband, ex-boyfriends... and I've come to wonder: What if I came across an opportunity to change even one thing about my past? Would I do it? And if I did, what part would I change? How would changing that one moment in my past effect my future? Would I have been at that bbq that night and met the man of my dreams? Would I have divorced my ex-husband sooner and struggled being a single mom?

If I live in my past, I'm wasting time on my present. Watching the finale of The Oprah Winfrey Show today made me realize that this life really is all up to ME! I can't blame anyone but myself for the dilemmas I have been in. My hard times were there because I needed them to be there. And my great times were there to build me up and show me that my life is fantastic.

I'm seeing that my sadness in life right now is starting to effect what I do. I no longer have motivation to even walk the dog! This coming from the girl that used to go out every single night and experience life with friends. I no longer have the motivation to go out and make friends. I've attempted this several times in my new ward, but am firing blanks. I have friends in Vancouver, but living out in West Portland is too far of a drive for either of us to really get a chance to get together on a regular basis. I do have my times where I start to doubt Heavenly Father's plan and wonder why we are back here in Portland at this time. Time will tell that for me at a later point, I guess.

But, until then I will wait. Try my best to just simply enjoy what I can. Try my best to not make an idiot of myself and say "hello" a little more.

Two Years and a Ferry.

Can you believe we've been married for two years!? Life has been so crazy in these two years. Moving, new jobs and more. I love it though! So, to celebrate we decided to take a trip to Seattle for the day. We would have loved to stay the night, but we will take that trip another time.

What a fun day! Lunch with Marci and Jeff (their baby is due in 6 weeks- crazy!), then off to downtown Seattle. We couldn't figure out how to find good parking, so we didn't stop and get a chance to walk around Seattle Center or go to Pike Place. Next time! Instead, we found how to get to the ferries and took one over to Bainbridge Island. Mostly because my sister, Rachel, works for the Bainbridge family. As soon as we pulled up to the ferry station we went walking around. Ben was in shock. The concept of driving a car onto the ferry and then driving it off just blew him away. We even have video of when we drove up on the ferry! I can't wait to do that again! Just seeing all of the boats was so cool! I can't wait to get a chance to really experience all that downtown Seattle offers!

After getting off the ferry we decided to go on a drive. And what a drive that turned up being! Drove over to the Kitsap peninsula, down to Silverdale and Bremerton. What amazing beauty is there! We made a short drive of it, but plan on coming back and really taking a chance to enjoy what that area has!

Too Much Vitamin D = SUNBURN!

Holy crap I love my job! I took the girls to Laurelhurst Park in SE Portland. That place is amazing! Great playground (that even the 2 year old can play on alone-ish), fountain in the summer, lots of swings and even and teeter-totter!! Remember those things?

We got there around 10 am and left around 2! Four hours of playing wore the girls OUT! They were both passed out by 2:15 and didn't get up until I woke them up at 4:30. My neck and the backs of my arms are a little red, but my SPF 50 worked the whole time!


On another note...

On Monday, Ben and I went to Cannon Beach again with Elway. I love taking him now that he listens and comes when we call him! It was nice just driving over to the Coast and just enjoying the day. Ate lunch at a local restaurant- outside! That's right, it was sunny on the Coast! Keep in mind, Oregon's coast isn't known for being sunny. It usually cold, windy and wet! After lunch, we drove south on Highway 101 and went to Tillamook. I love going there and getting an ice cream cone! Overall, a very good day with a wonderful man and pooch!

Looking forward to our anniversary weekend coming up! Spending Saturday having lunch with friends and then checking out downtown Seattle. That's the plan, any way! Can you believe it's already been 2 years??

Yes, I'm a MOM!

For those that ask, "Why doesn't your daughter live with you? Why is she with her dad?" Here is my side.

No, my daughter does not live with me. She actually lives 200 miles away with her dad and step-mom and half sisters (sister #3 to make her debut today or tomorrow!). I don't get to talk to her everyday or know what her little quirks are. I can't tell you the number of freckles she has on her nose. I wasn't there on her first day of school. I won't be there to kiss her owies better or watch her ride her new bike.

But I'm her mom. I watched her take her first steps and held her at night when she couldn't sleep. I'm the one who rocked with her for hours singing every lullaby I could when she couldn't go to sleep at night. I was there when she said the alphabet for the first time. I am the one with a permanent scar on my lower abdomen that reminds me that I have the most amazing, wonderful and caring daughter. She laughs like me. She sings like me. She even has my blonde hair and blue eyes! But most importantly, not matter what happens in life she is all mine.

I know the day will come when she will have questions, and I will have answers. She may not call me "mom", but it's ok. I have an unconditional love for her. I know that someday I will be sealed to her for Eternity. I will be able to have her by my side again someday.

But, until that day comes I will talk on the phone. I will send funny little cards and packages for her birthday. I will make the 3 hour drive just to spend an hour with me. It is all worth it to hear her say, "I love you."

You never Know! (continued)

Great news about the dress!

After mailing in that letter, hoping that my dress was still there- I got a call that it was!!!

I got a phone call from the cleaners. I told the man that I was going to send my sister, Rachel, to pick it up next week. I will then get it when we go to Denver this summer (I'll fly it back with me). I'm so excited!! I look forward to getting the dress properly fitted and get some photos done. I never got a chance to really try on my dress until the day of my wedding, and it was a little big. What luck!!

New Job, New Adventure!

Hooray for great people! I had a choice when we moved back to Portland. Either go back into the Medical Billing field that I have been in since 2006 (off and on), or find a very part-time Nanny position. Ben's schedule is a little... off, so I had to find a job that still allowed us to have time together, other than every other weekend.

I got a call from someone whom, when I interviewed, I never thought I would hear from. And now I work for him and his wife watching their two beautiful daughters.

**Out of respect, I will not post details of the family's life on this blog for their privacy.**

The parents are amazing. Very involved in the lives of the children as much as possible. We are in constant contact throughout the day (a new thing for me as a nanny). I love taking pictures of what we are doing and sending them, and they love seeing what we are doing. Living in Portland, it rains a lot. So, finding fun things to do when we have to stay indoors has been fun. The oldest, who is 4, is very imaginative. She's also very clever. "My mom lets me..." is the best one and it is used more times than not. I've called her out on all of them. The younger child, who turns 2 next month, is a riot. She loves to laugh and play along with her sister.

In September, there will be a newborn in the mix! They find out the sex of the baby tomorrow- we are all hoping boy!

I've been blessed this time. I work about 2-3 days per week, which allows me to see Ben in the mornings of the days I have off. I never will work a weekend (unless it's for a date night), which is a bonus. They are very respectful of my time and if the dad is even 10 min late coming home, he does send a text letting me know how much longer he has on his commute. Our days are filled with laughter, Teddy Grahams and lots and lots of bubbles! I already know I won't be with this family for long term. They do plan on moving to Bend, OR to be closer to family. But, they don't see that happening too soon since the economy isn't so great and job availability is slim. Until then, going to count my blessings, enjoy every moment I can and love life even more!

** 05.23.11 Update **

It's a boy!! When Ben asked the oldest what she wants to name him, her response was, "We can't name him until he gets here." I just laughed.
Also, they took their house off the market- no moving! Yay!