For Kira.

My darling Ladybug,

I wanted to send you a random email telling you how much I love you! I love being your mom. I love hearing your laugh and watching you smile. I love holding your hand when we walk in the store. I love your big, giant hugs that I get every time I see you! I love hearing your voice. I love twirling your hair. I love watching you grow up into such a beautiful and smart young lady. I just love you.

I have days when I am sad that you aren't with me, but then I remember that you are with a wonderful mommy and daddy and all of your sisters and I smile. I'm so happy that you have such an amazing woman in your life to show you love every single day.

Thank you for being the best daughter! Enjoy every moment of every day. When life gets a little tough, just think of all of the people in the world that love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love talking to you on the phone, and look forward to seeing you every chance that I can! I am sending a million bazillion hugs and kisses to you. I hope they last until I see you again!!!

I LOVE YOU!!

Love forever and always, Mommy Sarah

Ten Years Later

It took me a second, but when I was writing down the date yesterday I had a flashback. On June 21, 2001 I met my ex-husband for the first time in person. After chatting via Yahoo! Messenger for a month, I had finally moved back to Kennewick, WA and got a chance to meet him in person.

It's crazy to think how much life has flown by in these past 10 years. I now have a beautiful (and very tall) 9 year old daughter. I have been divorced and have remarried. I have lived in 7 states since then. I've discovered who I thought I was at the moment. I've made some amazing friends, and I've lost some amazing "friends". Crazy to think about some of the "what ifs" in life. What if I had never met my ex online? Would my life be what it is today? Would I have married the guy I was living with and dating when I first met my ex online? (ok, that sentence alone says "no".. lol) What if I had never left Colorado and had kept my job there?

So many scenarios. I have had a lot of low points in these 10 years, but I've also had a lot of very high points. I just remember that everything in life has been predetermined. It's been laid out for me and all I have to do is live it, learn from my mistakes and laugh.

I AM MORE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3GOtpwITPQ

This morning while driving home from dropping Ben off at work, I changed the radio and a song came on the radio. I usually don't pay too much attention to a song if I don't know what it is, but when the chorus of this song came on I turned it up a little and just listened...

"You are more than the choices you have made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

I started to really think about my life over the past 12 years. The life I have lead ever since I first moved out of my parents' house and was set free. When I moved to Colorado in 1999 to be a nanny, I was 19 and young and naive. I had somewhat "rebelled" in high school, but was never truly exposed to life. I had done some occasional drinking with friends (sorry, mom) and had been around friends who smoked pot. But that was really my extent of my "craziness" in the small town I grew up in. It wasn't until I moved to Denver, Colorado when I was truly exposed to all the bad the world has to offer. I did my best to stay in church, but found it hard to make friends. I discovered an MSN chatroom and made some "friends" there. We chatted every day and I became part of a group. We even met up outside of the internet at parties where we would never use our real names, just our screen names. That's when the drinking began. Then I started "dating". I use that term loosely. I never really went on dates too often. Usually a one night stand with someone I had met that day. I was "discovering who I am and who I wanted to be". Or at least that's what I was believing at the time. I fell away from church when the guy I was seeing dropped me for my "best friend" in front of my eyes. I had met him at Institute, and was sure that all the other guys there were the same.

Life just spiraled more and more downwards for me. If a guy I liked wanted me to do or try something, I did it. I started losing weight fast and with the weight loss came a slight sexiness and confidence I didn't have before. At one point I was dating 3 guys at the same time. I still remember their names... Jeremy, Tomas and Charles. That's just who I was. I didn't care about myself or the men to really notice what I was doing. I had a job that provided a car and a home. I was paid in cash and spent all of it quick. I would stay out until 4am, be up at 7 to get the girls to the bus and then go back to bed until I had to pick them up. I ended up doing this for 2 years.

It wasn't until I met my ex-husband that I got a chance to settle down. And years and years of doing what I wanted, with whom I wanted when I wanted didn't help in the marriage. I had a man who dictated EVERYTHING. What to wear, what to eat, who to talk to, who not to talk to, what to look at on the internet, what length my hair should be, how much money I was to spend. I gave up all control for what I thought was "love". Shortly after we met, I moved in and found out just after that I was pregnant. Six days later we were married. Very hush hush because we didn't want people thinking we were "those people". You know, the ones that have children BEFORE marriage. Oy! After almost 5 years I finally got the courage to leave. But those years changed me.

"'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to."

Because of my faith, I knew that everything up to April 26, 2005 (the day I left my ex-husband) had happened for a reason. I knew that those 2 years of stupidity were for a reason. I knew why I had my daughter when I did and with whom I did. I can look back and see the lessons I learned. I can see my choices and the results. I know that without my daughter, my ex-husband and my dumb life choices I would still be lost. I see that in my sisters. They are still experiencing the difficulties that I faced when I was their age. Figuring out an unstable marriage, or going through life feeling alone in a world of "happy people". Wanting what the other person has and wondering when I will be able to experience that too. I would see my friends on Facebook with their happy lives and children and perfect hair. I'd see their vacations and pictures and just sit and be so jealous. Feeling like I was stuck in the life I was in, never thinking I would get a chance to be "happy" like they were.

"This is not about how you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved."

At age 31, I am finally loving myself. I am finally letting go of my jealousy and anger. I am opening my eyes to what I have, not what I want. Sure, I would love to have a few kids and live in a nice house and drive nicer vehicles. But I'm not meant to have that right now. My life I am in is here for me now because it is all part of a Plan. A Plan that was predetermined for me before I came here. I will try my best to make the best I can out of every day. I know that things won't always be ok, and that life will continue to go on.

Life has led me to the point I am at. I have an amazing husband, whom I am madly in love with and am so very proud of. He supports me with all of my crazy thoughts and ideas and I love him more and more every day. I have a beautiful, smart, loving daughter who I know loves me. I have two adorable dogs who will love me unconditionally. I have a fantastic job that provides me with happiness and love every single day. We are living in Portland, Oregon in a house that may not be ours, but was sent to us as a blessing in a time when we are needing it. I am seeing my Plan being laid out before. I have a huge amount of Faith in knowing that everything will turn out for the better.

I have been at the bottom of my life's barrel. I have been what it is like to always have to look up and life. I am finally getting to the point where I am at peace with where I am. I can start to smile again and enjoy. I am trying to keep the negative out as much as I can and really start to see the positive in those around me, even when they can't see it for themselves.

"You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade."

True Friends

We all have at least 60 friends on facebook; but when it comes to needing someone to talk to, how many will actually be there for you? I can guarantee you, not even 15 of your facebook friends will like this status. If you would be there for me, set this as your status & see how many of us will be there for you.♥

I saw this today on Facebook and it got me thinking about friendship. I think that we talk friendships for granted at times. We "friend" someone, and then never speak to them again. If that person called you at 2 am, just to chat, would you answer the phone? If they were sick, would you bring them dinner or sit with them while they were puking? If they suffered a loss, would you be there to let them cry on you?

I would.

I've considered myself a good friend. Four years ago I was surrounded by friends. Most of which I had met through my church, and most I was very close with. But then life seemed to interfere. I got caught up in the guys I was dating, instead of my friends. I know you are supposed to work on the relationships, but how good are the relationships if you aren't yourself? I've lost many friends over these four years. Not physically, none have passed away. But emotionally. I used to be a part of "The Fearsome Foursome". Heck, I don't even have photos (except on FB) of us on my computer!

All of this moving is taking a toll on friendships. I'm doing all that I know to make friendships happen- inviting people over for dinner or game night, asking them to come to dinner. I cherish the friends I do have, but everyone lives so far from us!

I miss having someone to just call up to go to the mall or shopping with. I miss grabbing a dinner and catching up on life. Shoot, I even miss playdates!

I know life will get back to regular at some point. I know that I will read back on this and see how much better life is.

This is just me venting. Just putting out there my thoughts and feelings. They may seem low and sad, but that is life right now for me!