I just want to sleep and sleep

In a time when things are going perfect, I find that my world around me isn't as great as I thought it would have been. People who I thought were friends- aren't. I have two friends who are having a baby shower next Saturday, and I can't bring myself to go. I want to, but not being able to have children of my own is really getting to me. Month after month of trying, and only being told "no" is starting to wear on me. There is the saying, "When it is meant to happen, it will." Well, I need that to be now! LOL.

I know it is silly of me to get so depressed about it, but I am. Just the thought of going to either of those showers and I start crying. Maybe it isn't our time to get pregnant. But, there is a chance that i may never be able to have anymore children. We've talked about adoption, and I am more than ok with that. We have names picked out. I know what stroller and are seat I want. I know what I want in the nursery. We have been on Fertility treatments for several months now, and for what? So I have my hopes let down every fricking time my period starts? I have all of the books, and have done all the charting. We have seen a fertility specialist. I am emotionally tapped out. We have one more month with Clomid (a drug that stimulates ovulation) and if that doesn't work, I am considering being put on the pill and not trying for a year or more.

Ironically, things with the move are going pretty good. The job I was going to have when we move there fell through, but we are still moving. We were debating on what part of Portland to move to. We had 2 places in mind. When we called the first, we were told that the only way we could move in and not have jobs is if we have $19,000 in our savings. So that option was out. The place we liked in Vancouver was next. Ben called and got some good news. This is a place where the residents love where the live and never move. For the first time in 2 years, the floorplan that we wanted was available. It had only been available for a few days. Talk about timing. If that isn't confirmation that we are meant to be there... My goodness. We still need to find jobs, but I am putting in applications and calling people every day. I do my follow-ups, I have talked with friends... I'm ready.

I had oral surgery yesterday and am on a significant amount of pain medication today because of it. So, if most of this hasn't made sense, or seems not like me. I blame the pain meds.