Life is known to be overwhelming. I get that. But for these last 2 months, I just feel so overwhelmed and I just sit and cry. I didn't want to move.
We had dreams and hope. We had a plan A and when that fell through we had a plan B. Who knew ONE person could take away my hopes and dreams? I believe God has a plan. And as part of this plan, we are in this tiny, cramped, stinky apartment for a reason. It all fell into place to be here, so I might as well start enjoying it.. right?
I hate moving. I hate the packing up, leaving friends, unpacking, figuring life out. We move about once a year (sometimes more depending on life). I'm so over it. I did NOT want to move this last time, but thought we would be in a house right now. A house with a yard, and an excuse to buy paint. A yard for the dog, stairs, space.. *sigh*.
I know this is coming off as one giant complaint, but that's because it is.
Here's what I'm feeling: my friends are gone, though they are just a few miles away. My home is in chaos. Though looking at it, you would be impressed that in just 2 weeks we are 90% unpacked and organized. But to me it's a mess. I no longer have the motivation to do the simplest of things like the dishes. It's not like me to let dishes sit in the sink after making a meal. But the pots in the sink have been there since Thursday. I just do not have the energy anymore. Same with laundry. I takes so much just to do laundry lately. It isn't like I have a ton to do either. There is just two of us, and I really only have 2-3 loads a week. I only get motivated when the husband is out of underwear or work pants. It really takes a lot for me to WANT to do these.
I blame my depression. It's back and in full force. If it were up to it, I'd be in bed all day. Literally. I would get out to use the restroom and that's it. No food, no nothing. My poor husband. He's such a support. He understands life is hard right now. He sees me cry and wants to help, but I don't know how to rewind time. I want to go back to 5 years ago. When life was still promising. I wasn't struggling with 5 years of infertility. I wasn't moving around from apartment to apartment. Life was pretty decent. I had a good job, sort of, we were in a new relationship with all the butterflies (I still have those, so no need to go back to that).
It's just different now. Life is stable. We have good jobs, good money, a good place to live. I am married to an incredible man who would move the earth and more for me. I should be on cloud 9 all the time, but instead I just want to cry and sleep. All... the... time.
I miss my daughter, I yearn for kids of our own, I want to take these vacations I see all our friends going on, I want to just be that happy person I know that I deserve to be. I want to have weekly girls' nights and actually have people show up (it's usually just me and the dog). I want friends to help me when I need help, to be there to do things with. ..
That's enough for now. Time to put on a happy face, make some cookies, and get ready to help out a dear friend.
10.26.2013
8.27.2013
First Days suck... so far.
Today is the first day of middle school for my little one, and its another reminder that I will never see a "first day" of hers...
I can't wait to adopt and have a child I can raise...
7.30.2013
Up Next for us!
Well, hello there!
I feel like I haven't blogged in a really long time. Probably because I haven't! We have been having a very busy summer! Here's what has happened, what's going on, and what's going to change in our lives in the next year!
Start of summer means lots of road trips and CAMPING!!!!! I love camping!! July 4th we did nothing. Literally. Husband got called in to work until 8:30 pm (or later, I don't remember) so I spent the day alone. It sucked. Luckily, that weekend was filled with lots and lots of people! We spent the weekend near Seaside, OR at a family cabin owned by my old boss and her family. It is in the middle of nowhere with NO cell phone reception, so I was in Heaven!!!!
Here's a view of where we stayed:
That following Monday, I decided that we should have a few friends over for a BBQ and to eat some of the left over food from the camping trip. We ended up having 20 people in our tiny apartment! It was so fun! We spent most of the night out at the pool since it was pretty hot outside!
That following weekend we were supposed to be spending in Seattle with Elizabeth Madsen Photography, but we had a few issues come up that prevented up from going (pretty much, we were too broke to go). Friday night was my husband's birthday, so we invited a bunch of friends and had dinner (though only 4 friends showed up). We ended up staying at the restaurant waiting on friends (the poor puppy was in the car this whole time!!!). 4 hours later..
I did make my first batch of freezer jam!! I had ordered 18 pounds of strawberries through church. It didn't seem like that much until I tried to store it all! I gave 6 pounds away, another 6 went bad from leaving them in the fridge too long, and with the last 6 i attempted my first ever jam. It tastes great, but I didn't add enough pectin so when i take them out of the freezer, I will have to add more to get it to set like jam. Here's what they look like:
That Tuesday, we went to a free seminar put on by Oregon Reproductive Medicine. They specialize in IVF and other means of getting pregnant. I wanted to know to get more information and for total curiosity in case we ever decide to do it or use a surrogate. Holy expensive!!! Kudos to those that can afford it! The realization that adoption might be our best bet was evident. More on that later..
July 19th we took a road trip down south to Eugene, OR. Neither of us had been there, so why not? As we were heading out of town, we were witnesses to an accident. The small brown car was just in front of us in the other lane. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Just insane! After, we dropped off dinner to a friend who had just had a double mastectomy (the same friend that I shaved my hair off for).
We stayed in a crappy hotel in Springfield, but were able to see some fun things while in town! Saturday, we drove to French Pete Campground in the Willamette Forest. On our way there we ran into a covered bridge!
We were spending the day with some friends (the ones that own the cabin we had gone to earlier). I was not doing to great physically ( more details on that anther time.. if ever) so I spent most of the day in the shade, along the lake. Not too shabby! It was fantastic just to sit and relax for once. Again, in the middle of nowhere. Here's the crew heading out on the boat:
Here is the lake we were at:
It was amazing. The next day, we spent around Eugene geocaching (very addicting and fun if you haven't done it). This is a few of the places we went to to find some goecaches:
Dorris Ranch Park.
Auzten Stadium (home of the Oregon Ducks):
A little white church in Brownsville, OR.
We took our time coming back home. The dog was staying with some friends, so we took advantage of much needed quiet time.
The following weekend (this past weekend) was spent back in my home town of Kennewick, WA. The plan was to pick up my wedding dress, go see my daughter (do some shopping), watch boat races and head home. Well... I get a call from step-mom that kid #2 has a fever and shopping has been cancelled. NO!!! i was really looking forward to seeing my little one! So instead, we parked and watched the boat races:
REWIND!! In between all this insanity, I was throwing a wedding shower for a coworker. I was being all sneaky and calling it "Christmas in July" and being all covert. I did a LOT of planning and details... all for a 20 minute shower!! It took me (and 4 helpers) over an hour to set up, and it was all taken down within 45 minutes!
Lesson learned: no more showers at work. ever. ever.
So that's what's been going on..
Here's what's coming up.
Big news- I'm married to a college man!!! Husband got accepted to the BYU-Idaho Pathways program for Healthcare Administration! It is a 4 year degree! He started a degree in Accounting, but was forced (by the ex) to drop out. Seven years later, he's back!! This is top priority right now! We are rearranging schedules and our lives for the next however many years it takes to get this DONE! I'm so excited!! He officially starts some time in September! yay!
Next up- moving.. again. Not that we want to. Our lease is officially up tomorrow (July 31st). We are not renewing... yet. We would really like to get into a 3 bedroom house, but just aren't finding anything under $1500 a month to rent in the exact area we want (our ward boundaries). We keep looking! We would end up getting a roomie to help with costs until Ben is done with school and swimming in the money. Specifically, we want a yard for the dog. He is being walked Mon-Fri by friends, but it is costing us $50 a week to that. And it adds up!
*side note* Poor Elway was attacked by fleas! I am diligent on his flea treatment, but they got him! He was super itchy, so i bought some anti-itch shampoo. While washing him and scrubbing, I saw a flea! A dead one, but I got it! I put it in a baggie to show the vet. We took him in and he was given an oral flea treatment (doing that from now on!) and is on steroids to fight the itch. Over a week later and he is itch free and where he lost hair, it's coming back.
Back to the news.
More big news- since making a kid on our own (the old fashioned way) isn't working out, we are going to start the adoption process! We are going to get settled in school and housing, and then contact LDS Family Services (I really, really want a newborn) as well as the Department of Human Services (cause it is free to adopt through them) too set up appointments for the next step!!
We are both more than ready for a little one of our own. It's nice that we have friends popping out kids left and right, but it sucks for us. In the 4 years of marriage, we have had friends working on kid #3 or 4! We just want ONE!!!! Dealing with the struggles of infertility SUCK!! Not just a little either. I hold babies at church and I just cry. I cry because my heart aches to hold my own child again. I see all the complaints online and I just want to yell and scream!! I would give anything to have to wake up in the middle of the night for a crying baby. I would love to complain of a backache due to pregnancy!! I want to wear maternity clothes because I am pregnant, not because they fit good. I want to buy baby stuff for US, not for all of our friends and my sister. It's hard. Harder than anyone knows. When I find out I have other friends dealing with the same thing, I cling to them. I love knowing I'm not the only one that struggles with this frustration!!
Enough with the rant.
Coming up next (this weekend) in our lives: finally taking the trip to Seattle!!! We have a friend getting married in Seattle, so we are coming to support him. BUT this was the weekend I was supposed to be in Denver for my sister's baby shower (more baby talk). I was going to surprise her, but no. I am so emotional over this. It is so hard to think about. I want to be there so bad for her. I wasn't allowed to go to my baby/wedding shower. ** Story behind that: my ex is an ass. My family wanted to keep the shower a surprise, so they wouldn't tell him or me what was going on. He did NOT like this. He liked to know where I was at all the time. Literally. My family just simply said they would pick me up, and that was the end of that. I fought and cried to go. The shower went on without me. My mom still says, "You could have gone, you just chose not to." NO!! I didn't have a voice back then. What he said went, end of story. I would give ANYTHING to have been at that shower!!! I've already decided, I am going all out when we finally have a kid. I want to make up for that shower. I will know when, where, what... I WILL be there!!**
It's a sore spot. Can you tell?
Time to start "Our Story" for the adoption process. It's a small book all about how awesome we are. Pictures, stories... things to show why we are awesome people, and why a birth mother should trust us to raise her child!
I'll start that later though. I need tv or book time. I'm reading "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult (I think that's how you spell her name).
Thanks for reading!
I feel like I haven't blogged in a really long time. Probably because I haven't! We have been having a very busy summer! Here's what has happened, what's going on, and what's going to change in our lives in the next year!
Start of summer means lots of road trips and CAMPING!!!!! I love camping!! July 4th we did nothing. Literally. Husband got called in to work until 8:30 pm (or later, I don't remember) so I spent the day alone. It sucked. Luckily, that weekend was filled with lots and lots of people! We spent the weekend near Seaside, OR at a family cabin owned by my old boss and her family. It is in the middle of nowhere with NO cell phone reception, so I was in Heaven!!!!
Here's a view of where we stayed:
That following Monday, I decided that we should have a few friends over for a BBQ and to eat some of the left over food from the camping trip. We ended up having 20 people in our tiny apartment! It was so fun! We spent most of the night out at the pool since it was pretty hot outside!
That following weekend we were supposed to be spending in Seattle with Elizabeth Madsen Photography, but we had a few issues come up that prevented up from going (pretty much, we were too broke to go). Friday night was my husband's birthday, so we invited a bunch of friends and had dinner (though only 4 friends showed up). We ended up staying at the restaurant waiting on friends (the poor puppy was in the car this whole time!!!). 4 hours later..
I did make my first batch of freezer jam!! I had ordered 18 pounds of strawberries through church. It didn't seem like that much until I tried to store it all! I gave 6 pounds away, another 6 went bad from leaving them in the fridge too long, and with the last 6 i attempted my first ever jam. It tastes great, but I didn't add enough pectin so when i take them out of the freezer, I will have to add more to get it to set like jam. Here's what they look like:
That Tuesday, we went to a free seminar put on by Oregon Reproductive Medicine. They specialize in IVF and other means of getting pregnant. I wanted to know to get more information and for total curiosity in case we ever decide to do it or use a surrogate. Holy expensive!!! Kudos to those that can afford it! The realization that adoption might be our best bet was evident. More on that later..
July 19th we took a road trip down south to Eugene, OR. Neither of us had been there, so why not? As we were heading out of town, we were witnesses to an accident. The small brown car was just in front of us in the other lane. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Just insane! After, we dropped off dinner to a friend who had just had a double mastectomy (the same friend that I shaved my hair off for).
We stayed in a crappy hotel in Springfield, but were able to see some fun things while in town! Saturday, we drove to French Pete Campground in the Willamette Forest. On our way there we ran into a covered bridge!
We were spending the day with some friends (the ones that own the cabin we had gone to earlier). I was not doing to great physically ( more details on that anther time.. if ever) so I spent most of the day in the shade, along the lake. Not too shabby! It was fantastic just to sit and relax for once. Again, in the middle of nowhere. Here's the crew heading out on the boat:
Here is the lake we were at:
It was amazing. The next day, we spent around Eugene geocaching (very addicting and fun if you haven't done it). This is a few of the places we went to to find some goecaches:
Dorris Ranch Park.
Auzten Stadium (home of the Oregon Ducks):
A little white church in Brownsville, OR.
We took our time coming back home. The dog was staying with some friends, so we took advantage of much needed quiet time.The following weekend (this past weekend) was spent back in my home town of Kennewick, WA. The plan was to pick up my wedding dress, go see my daughter (do some shopping), watch boat races and head home. Well... I get a call from step-mom that kid #2 has a fever and shopping has been cancelled. NO!!! i was really looking forward to seeing my little one! So instead, we parked and watched the boat races:
REWIND!! In between all this insanity, I was throwing a wedding shower for a coworker. I was being all sneaky and calling it "Christmas in July" and being all covert. I did a LOT of planning and details... all for a 20 minute shower!! It took me (and 4 helpers) over an hour to set up, and it was all taken down within 45 minutes!
REWIND!! In between all this insanity, I was throwing a wedding shower for a coworker. I was being all sneaky and calling it "Christmas in July" and being all covert. I did a LOT of planning and details... all for a 20 minute shower!! It took me (and 4 helpers) over an hour to set up, and it was all taken down within 45 minutes!Lesson learned: no more showers at work. ever. ever.
So that's what's been going on..
Here's what's coming up.
Big news- I'm married to a college man!!! Husband got accepted to the BYU-Idaho Pathways program for Healthcare Administration! It is a 4 year degree! He started a degree in Accounting, but was forced (by the ex) to drop out. Seven years later, he's back!! This is top priority right now! We are rearranging schedules and our lives for the next however many years it takes to get this DONE! I'm so excited!! He officially starts some time in September! yay!
Next up- moving.. again. Not that we want to. Our lease is officially up tomorrow (July 31st). We are not renewing... yet. We would really like to get into a 3 bedroom house, but just aren't finding anything under $1500 a month to rent in the exact area we want (our ward boundaries). We keep looking! We would end up getting a roomie to help with costs until Ben is done with school and swimming in the money. Specifically, we want a yard for the dog. He is being walked Mon-Fri by friends, but it is costing us $50 a week to that. And it adds up!
*side note* Poor Elway was attacked by fleas! I am diligent on his flea treatment, but they got him! He was super itchy, so i bought some anti-itch shampoo. While washing him and scrubbing, I saw a flea! A dead one, but I got it! I put it in a baggie to show the vet. We took him in and he was given an oral flea treatment (doing that from now on!) and is on steroids to fight the itch. Over a week later and he is itch free and where he lost hair, it's coming back.
Back to the news.
More big news- since making a kid on our own (the old fashioned way) isn't working out, we are going to start the adoption process! We are going to get settled in school and housing, and then contact LDS Family Services (I really, really want a newborn) as well as the Department of Human Services (cause it is free to adopt through them) too set up appointments for the next step!!
We are both more than ready for a little one of our own. It's nice that we have friends popping out kids left and right, but it sucks for us. In the 4 years of marriage, we have had friends working on kid #3 or 4! We just want ONE!!!! Dealing with the struggles of infertility SUCK!! Not just a little either. I hold babies at church and I just cry. I cry because my heart aches to hold my own child again. I see all the complaints online and I just want to yell and scream!! I would give anything to have to wake up in the middle of the night for a crying baby. I would love to complain of a backache due to pregnancy!! I want to wear maternity clothes because I am pregnant, not because they fit good. I want to buy baby stuff for US, not for all of our friends and my sister. It's hard. Harder than anyone knows. When I find out I have other friends dealing with the same thing, I cling to them. I love knowing I'm not the only one that struggles with this frustration!!
Enough with the rant.
Coming up next (this weekend) in our lives: finally taking the trip to Seattle!!! We have a friend getting married in Seattle, so we are coming to support him. BUT this was the weekend I was supposed to be in Denver for my sister's baby shower (more baby talk). I was going to surprise her, but no. I am so emotional over this. It is so hard to think about. I want to be there so bad for her. I wasn't allowed to go to my baby/wedding shower. ** Story behind that: my ex is an ass. My family wanted to keep the shower a surprise, so they wouldn't tell him or me what was going on. He did NOT like this. He liked to know where I was at all the time. Literally. My family just simply said they would pick me up, and that was the end of that. I fought and cried to go. The shower went on without me. My mom still says, "You could have gone, you just chose not to." NO!! I didn't have a voice back then. What he said went, end of story. I would give ANYTHING to have been at that shower!!! I've already decided, I am going all out when we finally have a kid. I want to make up for that shower. I will know when, where, what... I WILL be there!!**
It's a sore spot. Can you tell?
Time to start "Our Story" for the adoption process. It's a small book all about how awesome we are. Pictures, stories... things to show why we are awesome people, and why a birth mother should trust us to raise her child!
I'll start that later though. I need tv or book time. I'm reading "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult (I think that's how you spell her name).
Thanks for reading!
5.29.2013
Karma.
Karma is just that- what you make of it. Today has been full of highs, lows, and a lot of in between.
The last 3 days have started out with surprises.
Day 1: Memorial Day. Husband got a call from work telling him to take a mandatory day off. Score!
Day 2: Got in the car to go to work, only to find we had a flat tire. It ended up being a hole in the sidewall, and thanks to Les Schwab's amazing warranty, we got a free tire!
Day 3: I received a call from my OB/GYN that the ultrasound I had taken the day before was showing as all good. This was step two of "Operation Making Baby". Step one was blood work- also all normal. Now on to step three (sorry hon!). I also was chatting with my husband at lunch only to find out our friend who has breast cancer, will have to have a double mastectomy.
So yeah, it's been an interesting week so far.
I did just come off an 11 day vacation (family came into town), so maybe this is life catching up after ignoring it for so long?
Either way, life is life and it's time to enjoy it as much as possible.
Oh, update on Jennifer (my dear friend whom went missing in December only later to be found murdered on Feb 26th): Jennifer's husband was arrested a few weeks ago, and charged with Second Degree Murder!! I found out via Facebook (like all news in my boring life), and I was in shock. There are always things that indicate one way or another. There were a lot of people pointing out how it could "obviously" be him.
I'm trying to stay away from it all, since my concern was always with Jennifer and her well being. I know where she is, and that's all I need to know.
That's it for now.
The last 3 days have started out with surprises.
Day 1: Memorial Day. Husband got a call from work telling him to take a mandatory day off. Score!
Day 2: Got in the car to go to work, only to find we had a flat tire. It ended up being a hole in the sidewall, and thanks to Les Schwab's amazing warranty, we got a free tire!
Day 3: I received a call from my OB/GYN that the ultrasound I had taken the day before was showing as all good. This was step two of "Operation Making Baby". Step one was blood work- also all normal. Now on to step three (sorry hon!). I also was chatting with my husband at lunch only to find out our friend who has breast cancer, will have to have a double mastectomy.
So yeah, it's been an interesting week so far.
I did just come off an 11 day vacation (family came into town), so maybe this is life catching up after ignoring it for so long?
Either way, life is life and it's time to enjoy it as much as possible.
Oh, update on Jennifer (my dear friend whom went missing in December only later to be found murdered on Feb 26th): Jennifer's husband was arrested a few weeks ago, and charged with Second Degree Murder!! I found out via Facebook (like all news in my boring life), and I was in shock. There are always things that indicate one way or another. There were a lot of people pointing out how it could "obviously" be him.
I'm trying to stay away from it all, since my concern was always with Jennifer and her well being. I know where she is, and that's all I need to know.
That's it for now.
4.26.2013
For ME Alone (part 2)
So on the Sunday I was to sing the song, I had lost my voice. I had a lump and crap in it and just couldn't sing. I warmed up singing the hymns, and then it was my turn.
The emotions of the day finally hit me. I was tired, stressed, missing my friend... and this song is powerful.
I got through the first few lines before I started to cry. I let the missionary that was accompanying me continue to play. I came in again at the chorus, but was only able to get a few words out before beginning to cry again.
This song is very personal. "For Me Alone" is a song for those of us that have struggled and wondered if it was all worth it. It speaks of Jesus up on the cross for ME. Not for anyone else.
The song ended and I smiled, grabbed my music and started to walk out to the hallway. My husband followed me out and we stood in the kitchen while I cried. I had so many emotions in me that I hadn't let out. Greif and pain and sadness all was there. I have had a harder life then I will ever let on or tell anyone. My fmaily knows a small part of it, and my husband knows what he needs to know. I don't regret the life I've had, I just regret not having that support system sooner.
It's been amazing becoming part of a group of strong women who are here to help me and be there for me while we get through this next chapter of life.
The emotions of the day finally hit me. I was tired, stressed, missing my friend... and this song is powerful.
I got through the first few lines before I started to cry. I let the missionary that was accompanying me continue to play. I came in again at the chorus, but was only able to get a few words out before beginning to cry again.
This song is very personal. "For Me Alone" is a song for those of us that have struggled and wondered if it was all worth it. It speaks of Jesus up on the cross for ME. Not for anyone else.
The song ended and I smiled, grabbed my music and started to walk out to the hallway. My husband followed me out and we stood in the kitchen while I cried. I had so many emotions in me that I hadn't let out. Greif and pain and sadness all was there. I have had a harder life then I will ever let on or tell anyone. My fmaily knows a small part of it, and my husband knows what he needs to know. I don't regret the life I've had, I just regret not having that support system sooner.
It's been amazing becoming part of a group of strong women who are here to help me and be there for me while we get through this next chapter of life.
Lucky #7
Crazy to think that seven years has passed since I moved out of Arizona and away from the father of my child. It was such an amazing day. I don't remember too much, but I did find a photo from that day. My ex wanted to take a picture "to remember the day you left". He's such an ass.
Life has been incredible since then. There have been a few dips, but I am on my way up right now. Life is great.
Life has been incredible since then. There have been a few dips, but I am on my way up right now. Life is great.
3.19.2013
Keeping Zipped Up
"Wow - it's amazing the lies people tell especially when people who know the truth see every comment you post. I don't get the point in making up stories that never happened just to get some sympathy. Maybe you should see a therapist to get the sympathy..."
That was what my sister posted on Facebook. I know what she is referring to. It was a comment I had made on a photograph of a lady who is pregnant, but will never raise her child. I noted that I had been there and felt her pain.
But that's just the thing, I have been through so much heartache and sorrow over the last 14 years, and about 2% of it my family knows about. They hear what I feel they need to know, and that is it. The hardest part is that it is my family. The one group of people that should be there when you go through heartache. I have experienced more in my 32 years than any woman will ever go through.
I have a very small, close group of friends that I trust with my life- none of my family is in that circle. They were the ones I called when I was in the ER a number of times. They are the ones that when I fell, helped be back up, brought me food and let me cry on their shoulder.
My husband has been my biggest supporter. He has been there in the ER with me. He's held my hand while we recieved horrible news of losses. He has been my rock. I know that it takes its toll, but I try to hold it all in. I am only human.
I have had a lot of great things happen as well. Those things I am more than happy to share with family. Accomplishments personally, with my daughter, with jobs. But nothing that causes the tears. Nothing that I should be going to them for.
And it hurts. It hurts more than I will allow myself to dwell on.
So this is it. I'm shutting up. I'm only telling about the good in my life. No more sadness or sorrow. No more tears to shed. I'm done worrying or wondering.
That was what my sister posted on Facebook. I know what she is referring to. It was a comment I had made on a photograph of a lady who is pregnant, but will never raise her child. I noted that I had been there and felt her pain.
But that's just the thing, I have been through so much heartache and sorrow over the last 14 years, and about 2% of it my family knows about. They hear what I feel they need to know, and that is it. The hardest part is that it is my family. The one group of people that should be there when you go through heartache. I have experienced more in my 32 years than any woman will ever go through.
I have a very small, close group of friends that I trust with my life- none of my family is in that circle. They were the ones I called when I was in the ER a number of times. They are the ones that when I fell, helped be back up, brought me food and let me cry on their shoulder.
My husband has been my biggest supporter. He has been there in the ER with me. He's held my hand while we recieved horrible news of losses. He has been my rock. I know that it takes its toll, but I try to hold it all in. I am only human.
I have had a lot of great things happen as well. Those things I am more than happy to share with family. Accomplishments personally, with my daughter, with jobs. But nothing that causes the tears. Nothing that I should be going to them for.
And it hurts. It hurts more than I will allow myself to dwell on.
So this is it. I'm shutting up. I'm only telling about the good in my life. No more sadness or sorrow. No more tears to shed. I'm done worrying or wondering.
3.10.2013
For ME Alone.
One of the best things available is music. The words, the sound, the feeling. I was asked a few months ago to sing in church a few months ago but, due to a sinus infection, I had lost my singing voice. So a few weeks ago the offer was again given. I usually turn it down unless I am joined by at least one or two others. I love singing, but don't have the confidence to do a solo like I used to. Besides sinus issues, I now have a tori (a bone on the roof of your mouth) that restricts me in singing.
I had asked one of the missionaries to accompany me since he is an amazing piano player. On Wednesday, we got together to practice. He had only played it a few times, and I had never sung it outside of my living room.
It just worked. There were a couple slip ups, and I was rushing the song, but after a few practices it worked out. I think we will run through it once before church starts, and then onto doing it live! There have been many prayers said already this morning asking for comfort and piece.
The song, "For Me Alone" by Sally DeFord, is about the fact the Christ died for me as well as those I love. That no matter what happens, HE will come and be there for me. I have been through a lot in life, and this song was just what I needed right now.
Some of the lyrics:
But if I alone had stumbled,
if I alone had strayed,
if I alone had wondered from the straight and narrow way,
if I alone bore guilt for which I alone could never atone,
He would have come for me.
For me alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2A0v7lFtFI
I had asked one of the missionaries to accompany me since he is an amazing piano player. On Wednesday, we got together to practice. He had only played it a few times, and I had never sung it outside of my living room.
It just worked. There were a couple slip ups, and I was rushing the song, but after a few practices it worked out. I think we will run through it once before church starts, and then onto doing it live! There have been many prayers said already this morning asking for comfort and piece.
The song, "For Me Alone" by Sally DeFord, is about the fact the Christ died for me as well as those I love. That no matter what happens, HE will come and be there for me. I have been through a lot in life, and this song was just what I needed right now.
Some of the lyrics:
But if I alone had stumbled,
if I alone had strayed,
if I alone had wondered from the straight and narrow way,
if I alone bore guilt for which I alone could never atone,
He would have come for me.
For me alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2A0v7lFtFI
2.28.2013
Head. Hurts.
So I was reading through old posts and I mention being sick a lot. Well, we have figured out why. And by we I mean my wonderful ENT. I'm allergic to EVERYTHING!!!! Well, everything in the Pacific Northwest! Outside things, inside things... mostly my own dog!
I am on meds, doing immunotherapy (ouch) and hating all of it! On top if it, I possibly have vertigo (where you are randomly dizzy). Going to do a Function Balance Test at a local hospital next week. Here's to hoping!
I am on meds, doing immunotherapy (ouch) and hating all of it! On top if it, I possibly have vertigo (where you are randomly dizzy). Going to do a Function Balance Test at a local hospital next week. Here's to hoping!
Dear Jen.
Jen,
What a crazy few months this has been. I heard that on Dec 11 you went out to get Christmas gifts, never made it back home, and then I hear today that there was a body found that might be yours. How can this have happened? What happened?
I have kept in contact with Remy, but it's been hard. I've done my best to keep thoughts positive and keep out hope that you would come home to your kids. There was a rumor that you had suddenly lost a lot of weight and stopped doing your amazing art work. What was going on? We used to talk all the time! I feel bad now for the days when we didn't talk.
You have been my strength these last 10 years. You were the ONE person I could go to and vent to about what was going on. You were there for me before, during and after the divorce. I was so happy to talk with you about how our kids were "getting so big" and all the changes in life. I was so happy to have found you online and chat with you late at night about life. Talk to someone who would listen to me ramble on and on.
I have said so many prayers asking for your to be safe. Asking Heavenly Father to comfort those that needed comforting during this time. And He has. I knew from the moment I heard you were missing that you were safe. I didn't understand why I felt that, but I did. Was it that you were safe in Heaven? That whatever wrong had happened, you were now safe and away from harm?
There was a thought going around that you had run off with another man. Really?! Do they not know you? Your life was for Remy and those kids. You were simply finally getting healthy and fit, and that's why the weight loss. Look at your husband! I wouldn't want to be fat either around him!
I just want to say this. I love you so much. I am so thankful to know you. I am thankful for our friendship. For the sincere love and appreciation you have given me. If you are up in Heaven, please watch over my babies. Keep them safe and teach them what an amazing mommy I am. When they get to Earth, they will know of you. They will know of your love and kindness. They will know of my friend that is always with me, no matter what.
I look forward to the day that we can talk again. I miss your hugs and your laugh.
I will see you soon, my friend.
Love,
S.
http://jenniferramsaran.blogspot.com/
What a crazy few months this has been. I heard that on Dec 11 you went out to get Christmas gifts, never made it back home, and then I hear today that there was a body found that might be yours. How can this have happened? What happened?
I have kept in contact with Remy, but it's been hard. I've done my best to keep thoughts positive and keep out hope that you would come home to your kids. There was a rumor that you had suddenly lost a lot of weight and stopped doing your amazing art work. What was going on? We used to talk all the time! I feel bad now for the days when we didn't talk.
You have been my strength these last 10 years. You were the ONE person I could go to and vent to about what was going on. You were there for me before, during and after the divorce. I was so happy to talk with you about how our kids were "getting so big" and all the changes in life. I was so happy to have found you online and chat with you late at night about life. Talk to someone who would listen to me ramble on and on.
I have said so many prayers asking for your to be safe. Asking Heavenly Father to comfort those that needed comforting during this time. And He has. I knew from the moment I heard you were missing that you were safe. I didn't understand why I felt that, but I did. Was it that you were safe in Heaven? That whatever wrong had happened, you were now safe and away from harm?
There was a thought going around that you had run off with another man. Really?! Do they not know you? Your life was for Remy and those kids. You were simply finally getting healthy and fit, and that's why the weight loss. Look at your husband! I wouldn't want to be fat either around him!
I just want to say this. I love you so much. I am so thankful to know you. I am thankful for our friendship. For the sincere love and appreciation you have given me. If you are up in Heaven, please watch over my babies. Keep them safe and teach them what an amazing mommy I am. When they get to Earth, they will know of you. They will know of your love and kindness. They will know of my friend that is always with me, no matter what.
I look forward to the day that we can talk again. I miss your hugs and your laugh.
I will see you soon, my friend.
Love,
S.
http://jenniferramsaran.blogspot.com/
1.10.2013
Bzzzz for Angie
I went brunette in 2005 and regretted it. It did become me and my personality and my identity. It was who I was. So, when the chance came up to shave it.. I did it.
I just typed a long paragraph detailing more of why.. but then it was deleted (stupid computer). Bottom line, I have amazing friends that I would literally do anything for- even shave off my hair.
Love you, Angie.
1.01.2013
New Year Means Changes
What a great start to 2013! A blog!
We spent last night enjoying time with friends and managed to stay up until Midnight and sneak in that first kiss of the year.
One downside to the day is that the hubby is working a 12 hour shift, which means I'm home alone with nothing to do.... not!
I was going to spend the day relaxing since I'm fighting off yet another head cold, but got off the couch around 10 and started in on the spare room. I grabbed the now unused bags that were used as laundry bags (those 59 cent blue IKEA bags come in handy) and went to work. I started in the closet and grabbed out all the stuff that has just been sitting there not doing anything and put them in a bag. Yoga mat (only used once), old blanket (too slippery to put a duvet on), backpack and a few other items. Next was the dresser. I have some shorts that were just too short and just fit weird and not used this past summer, so those went first. I then tackled the master closet. Man did that feel good! I filled up one of those big bags with just my clothes! Shirts, pants, dresses.. you name it! I have a lot of clothes that I hold onto with the excuse of "I'll wear that when I lose weight". Well, why not just buy new clothes when I lose all that weight?
After putting away the bags in the living room, I tackled the kitchen. I have been wanting to make cookies for Christmas but keep putting it off. The flour and white chocolate chips and other stuff has been taking up my cupboards and just there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. So I started to make the gingerbread cookies. I got the butter, molasses, sugar going and stirred. I added the flour and just had to stop. I took one bite and realized that I didn't need this in my house anymore. I grabbed a plastic bag and dumped it in there and put that in the trash can. I then took out the rest of the stuff I had bought for cookies and tossed it. A full bag of flour (unused), package of white chocolate chips.. gone. If I have it in the house, I know I will find time and make cookies and then eat most of those cookies. I don't need that! It's the reason I'm having to get rid of clothes that don't fit! I emptied out my flour container and cleaned it out. Then took a few really small plastic containers and put about 1/2 cup of sugar and 1/2 cup of brown sugar and set aside. I do need those for other foods. But the rest was tossed. Done!
I like the feeling I have right now. Well, not the part that reminds me that I need to finally go and shower. HA!
Here's a to a new start!
We spent last night enjoying time with friends and managed to stay up until Midnight and sneak in that first kiss of the year.
One downside to the day is that the hubby is working a 12 hour shift, which means I'm home alone with nothing to do.... not!
I was going to spend the day relaxing since I'm fighting off yet another head cold, but got off the couch around 10 and started in on the spare room. I grabbed the now unused bags that were used as laundry bags (those 59 cent blue IKEA bags come in handy) and went to work. I started in the closet and grabbed out all the stuff that has just been sitting there not doing anything and put them in a bag. Yoga mat (only used once), old blanket (too slippery to put a duvet on), backpack and a few other items. Next was the dresser. I have some shorts that were just too short and just fit weird and not used this past summer, so those went first. I then tackled the master closet. Man did that feel good! I filled up one of those big bags with just my clothes! Shirts, pants, dresses.. you name it! I have a lot of clothes that I hold onto with the excuse of "I'll wear that when I lose weight". Well, why not just buy new clothes when I lose all that weight?
After putting away the bags in the living room, I tackled the kitchen. I have been wanting to make cookies for Christmas but keep putting it off. The flour and white chocolate chips and other stuff has been taking up my cupboards and just there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. So I started to make the gingerbread cookies. I got the butter, molasses, sugar going and stirred. I added the flour and just had to stop. I took one bite and realized that I didn't need this in my house anymore. I grabbed a plastic bag and dumped it in there and put that in the trash can. I then took out the rest of the stuff I had bought for cookies and tossed it. A full bag of flour (unused), package of white chocolate chips.. gone. If I have it in the house, I know I will find time and make cookies and then eat most of those cookies. I don't need that! It's the reason I'm having to get rid of clothes that don't fit! I emptied out my flour container and cleaned it out. Then took a few really small plastic containers and put about 1/2 cup of sugar and 1/2 cup of brown sugar and set aside. I do need those for other foods. But the rest was tossed. Done!
I like the feeling I have right now. Well, not the part that reminds me that I need to finally go and shower. HA!
Here's a to a new start!
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