Oh, Christmas Tree...

This is one of those Christmases that just doesn't feel like Christmas. Ben and I were sitting in the car on our way to grab a few groceries (if we didn't run out of tp I would NOT have gone) when we were talking and agreed that this just doesn't feel like Christmas. It feels like we are just going through the motions. The decorations are up, the presents have been unwrapped and the stockings were kind of filled. I think the biggest factor (besides no snow or cold weather) was not having friends or family to really spend the holidays with.

Ben and I worked a lot the last month and were able to buy a few gifts for each other. Biggest gift was the Wii that was given by my employers that just didn't use it anymore. We've decided that with it, we'll get rid of our cable and spend time on the Wii instead. Plus, it will save us $45 a month!! We were able to sell our Yakima rail system on craigslist and used the money from that for Christmas gifts for each other. I got what I wanted, Ben got what he needed. It's been a very humble Christmas. The tree above is one that I made because we couldn't afford to get a real tree like we had planned. Actually, we had a friend that was going to give us a tree, but we couldn't afford the tree stand! How ironic is that?

Needless to say, I will be packing up the decorations tomorrow. I feel no more need to have them up now that presents have been opened. Ben is working all day Christmas Day, and I will stop by my employers' home to give them their gifts.

Here's a picture of our fancy decorations that are up in our apartment:






Hope that your Christmas is a little more Merry than ours. Here's to a new year with new hopes and expectations!

Yup, It's Blue!

Here's our new car! Our other car finally gave out and so we upgraded! Went from a 2005 to a 2010. It's the newest car we've owned! Can't wait to take trips now (and not worry that the car will fall apart). We love that it's blue... mostly because we are HUGE Denver Broncos fans (good ole orange and blue)!

Caching.

On Thursday, Ben and I went out geocaching off Marine Drive in North Portland (along the Columbia River). What a fun time!! Thought I would share just a few photos from the day.

Top photo is of some of the grass along the trail we were on.
Bottom two are photos from a park in SE Portland/Milwaukie area. I was so amazed to see leaves still falling off the tree! It's almost the middle of December! I love it!

"Children's Praise"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmiJtya1-mk

I just watched the season finale of "Sister Wives" and the above song was playing the background. What an amazingly powerful song for this time in my life.

With the decision of being on birth control and stopping all "trying" at having more children, watching the finale of the show when one of the wives gives birth to her own child and then offering to be the surrogate to a wife that can't get pregnant just made me loose it.

I know that with my sisters, I would be more than willing to be a surrogate to their children if it ever came to the point where they were not able to carry the child themselves. I have been through the agony of not being able to carry my own child, and it hurts. But if I would be chosen to be the vessel for a family member or friend, I would consider it an honor.

Lyrics for the song:

Songs of praise we sing, to our Savior King, who has said "Let little children come."
For of such said He, "Shall My kingdom be, kingdom of the ransom gathered whole."
We will sweetly sing, of our Savior King, till the echoes reach the vaulted skies.
To the Lord above, Prince of Peace and Love, shall our sweetest songs of praise arise.
Though so young and small, Jesus loves us all, and His smiling face for all we see.
Gently day by day, still He leads the way, blessed Jesus we will follow thee.
We will sweetly sing, of our Savior King, till the echoes reach the vaulted skies.
To the Lord above, Prince of Peace and Love, shall our sweetest songs of praise arise.
We will sweetly sing, of our Savior King, till the echoes reach the vaulted skies.
To the Lord above, Prince of Peace and Love, shall our sweetest songs of praise arise.

Decisions Made

On Tuesday I made a pretty big decision that will hopefully turn out to be a good thing overall.

Over the last year I have become more and more depressed because of my infertility. I talked about this with my husband many times and came to the realization that emotionally and financially we really are not ready to become parents right now. So, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and discussed birth control options. The Dr. was surprised that at 31 I was being put on birth control for the first time in years. I wasn't brought up talking about it, and I have never really had close girlfriends that I could talk to about my options. I felt silly asking the doctor about my options and what different pills do.

Another thing that was discussed was the fact that my periods are very irregular. I have a family history of thyroid disease and diabetes, so we discussed that as well as the possibility of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I haven't done a lot of research on it yet, and probably won't until I am confirmed to have it.

It seems lately that every time I go to the Doctor, they are finding something new wrong with me! A few weeks ago they were checking a lump in my breast, now they are checking for PCOS! Sheesh!

What I Want is...

While driving this morning, I have some to the realization that there are a few things I wouldn't mind receiving from Ben, family and friends for Christmas. I know it's kind of weird to do this, but it will probably just end up being a list for myself to know what to buy myself if it's not in my stocking. Here's the list:

1. Headphones (Ben is using mine and I do NOT want them back- ear gunk, nasty)
2. Kitchenaid Stand Mixer (in white)
3. Nikon or Canon Digital SLR camera
4. Gift certificates to either Joann Fabrics or Michael's Crafts
5. iPhone (3,4, or 4s)
6. Ironing Board
7. Sewing Machine with carrying case
8. iPod Nano
9. Membership to Crunch (or a walking buddy if headphones are not purchased)
10. "Angels" perfume from Victoria's Secret
11. 36" Plasma
12. Scarves (I like knitted ones)
13. "Sarah's Key" on DVD (not out yet...)
14. Wii and Wii Fit
15. New Purse
16. Yoga Mat (mine is in Colorado)
17. Reusable bags (like the kind for carrying groceries, etc)
18. Personalized Hot Cocoa mug (larger than coffee mugs)
19. Membership to a "Fruit of the Month" club
20. COOKBOOKS! (I love, love cookbooks!)
21. This: http://gifts.redenvelope.com/productdetail.aspx?cobrand=RED&pid=30009225&ssid=4&REF=REDFeedGiftscom_30009225&mr:referralID=3c381497-192a-11e1-931b-001b2166c2c0
22. Piano or keyboard
23. Cuisinart Soup Maker Blender http://www.crateandbarrel.com/kitchen-and-food/blenders/cuisinart-soup-maker-blender/s332562

Thanks, Pinterest!

Look what I made! I discovered a new hobby! I am planning to make a lot of these for the holidays and other times. Yay for a hobby!

I'm Thankful For...

Thanksgiving is coming up, so in the month of November I will come to this post and write one thing I am thankful for every day of the month (and include a photo if I have one).

11/1: I am thankful for my amazing daughter, Kira. She has made me want to be a better person. She amazes me week to week on her ability to be a better person. 11/2: I am thankful for a supportive husband who loves me no matter what stupidness I do. 11/3: I am thankful for a family that, despite our mileage and distance, I am still very close with. 11/4: I am thankful for amazing friends that have lasted through the years. So excited to get to see some of them tomorrow night!! 11/5: I am thankful for my wonderful sister, Rachel (see photo above). I love having such an incredible person for a sister!!
11/6: I am thankful for amazing employers who understand that I truly do care for their children almost as much as they do! I really am blessed to be shown what it's like to be appreciated as an employee. 11/7: I am thankful for Facebook. It may sound silly, but without it I wouldn't be in contact with so many people that are still in my hometown.
11/8: I am thankful for the friends in my life have been there through all the crud over the last 10 years. You know who you are.
11/9: I am thankful for central heat and air. 11/10: I am thankful for multi-billion dollar satellites that allow my husband and friends to find tupperware in the middle of forests and along roads (also known as Geocaching).
11/11: I am thankful for all the men and women who have served in the United States Military branches.
11/12: I am thankful for great customer service. I went to Les Schwab Tires to get tires rotated and was told 2 tires were bald (I knew that). They found 2 used tires and then charged half-price!
11/13: I am thankful for an amazing mom who taught me the basics in life- how to sort laundry, make cookies and cook basic meals. I LOVE YOU, MOM!! (see photo of "dinner in a pumpkin" that I made) 11/14: I am thankful for leaves that change into amazing colors of yellows, reds and oranges. They make me smile.
11/15: I am thankful for electricity. Our power was out for about 6 hours yesterday. I didn't realize how much I rely on it! It was COLD in here!
11/16: I am thankful for little boys that smile! Baby Ty is now 2 months old and is a very, very happy baby! 11/17: I am thankful for a clean bill of health! I may not look like it on the outside, but on the inside I am healthy. I may not be able to run a mile, but my ultrasound and mammogram show I am very normal!
11/18: I am thankful for young children. Per the 3 year-old I babysit, "I don't need to learn sports, cause I'm going to be a mommy when I grow up".
11/19: I am thankful for Pinterest and the inspiration that website has given me. I now have a hobby and a cheap way to make holiday gifts! (see picture of my messy table) 11/20: I am thankful for Eddie, my goofball of a dog. Today we decided that he was just not meant to stay with our family, and decided to place him with a friend that could provide a house for him to bark in and a yard to run around in. It was so sad to see him go, but I love that we can go see him whenever we want. Elway has been a little down too. We miss our Eddie! 11/21: I am thankful for the many blessings we have seen over the past year. When we needed a place to stay, friends and family opened up their doors. When we needed food, again friends, family and church opened up and allowed us food. When we realized that we had to either pay rent or pay our bills, we somehow came up with a way to pay for both. It's been very rough for us, but I know that life is starting to look up! 11/22: I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who provides the Pacific Northwest with all of this rain! 11/23: I am thankful for technology! Can you imagine life without your cell phone, laptop, gaming console and TV?! Insane! 11/24: HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I am thankful for new friends in new places! Spent the morning watching football followed by dinner with friends from church. Was great having a place to have dinner!
11/25: I am thankful for conversations with old friends. Spent the day in Kennewick so I could go see my dearest friend in the world, Chrystal. It was fun seeing her and just chatting about nothing! I finally got to meet her little man, Coleman (now 3) and her oldest, CrisAngel (now 12). Man how time flies!
11/26: I am thankful for not having children of my own that live with me at this time. I know that I get upset that I can't get pregnant, but I am coming to the realization that having a child right now would just be one more stress in life. I appreciate being a nanny and knowing at the end of the day I can come home to a quiet house. I appreciate being able to just do what I want, to a point, and not have the stress that comes with kids. I go to the ob/gyn to start on birth control soon to no longer have the stress of "are we pregnant" in our lives.
11/27: I am thankful to be a member of an amazing church. I love that no matter where I go in the country, the lessons are the same as well as the people and values taught.
11/28: I am thankful for the people who have submitted their bodies to science so that my husband and I can come and stare at your muscles in amazement. (Body Worlds at OMSI for date night)
11/29: I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly. It's been rough financially these last few months, but we are making it (not sure how, but we are!).
11/30: I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life. This has been a fantastic month and no matter how much I may complain about everything going on, I am blessed and happy to be me. I have so many good things that outweigh all the bad!

Now onto Christmas!!

FAST FORWARD!!

Today is one of those days where I would LOVE to be able to fast forward my life 10 years. I'd love to skip the sadness, the drama, the tension and the downside of my life right now. Money is tight, tensions are high and this gloomy weather isn't helping.

I am SO excited to have my sister here next weekend. I am really looking forward to the break from my life, even if it is just for a few days. YAY for sisters!

World vs. Me... I'm Losing.

My day started out good. Slept in, did a little geocaching, got some amazing pictures at Cathedral Park. Perfect morning.

Then my night started. It seems that once Ben leaves for work, my motivation to do anything kind of stops. I did rearrange the living room and organize my bookcase so I did have a little motivation. Then I decided to make a quick trip to Home Depot with the pooches to grab a few items. On my way to the store, the stereo face went black and my music stopped. Weird. Then the music came on but not the stereo face- still black. Then suddenly I smelled melting plastic, as though there was a short somewhere. I panicked and called Ben then came back home. And then tonight I started to leave for rehearsal. Finally got out the door, and got about more than half-way there and realized I had left my music at home on the table. At that point I was done for the day. The world working against me wants me to just stop on it all. ugh...

Peace...

Decided to take the dogs out to a local park and this is what I saw. Did I mention how much I love Fall?

Fall in PDX

After sleeping in until 10am (and missing church) and then going to SE Portland to grab/attempt to grab some geocaches, we went on a mini Sunday drive. Mostly because Ben got lost and took a road that went in a different direction than needed... Anyways, here are a few photos of Fall around Portland (also known as PDX). Enjoy!



A quick drive to the Portland LDS Temple is always a favorite of mine.

A street next to where I babysit... lined with yellow trees.

The tree above was much more transparent than this photo gives credit.
The picture below is of a parking lot near the above temple. It was taken last week right as the leaves began to change.

PMS + Homesick= Blog.

I've had one of those days that I just want to hit the fast forward and skip the rest of it. Actually, I'd like to fast forward the next 5 years of my life and skip through this stressful, sad part of life that I seem to be stuck in.

I'm still stuck in limbo with the decision to move to Portland. Talking with my sister over the past week and hearing about all the heartache she is going through, and then hearing that my mom is having health issues really has brought up my homesickness.

And I'm starting to wonder if my homesickness would exist if I knew that I was going to go back to visit my family in the near future. It seems that whenever we have a little extra money to spend on taking a trip back to Denver, the car needs repaired or another large bill comes up. I know that I've written about all of this before, but it is what is on my mind right now as I type it.

I know for a fact that I will be back in Denver in May for my baby sister's college graduation. But May seems so far away! There is so much going on that I feel that I am missing! Friends are celebrating milestones, family is having struggles... and I feel so far away from it all.

I'm feeling stuck. And when I feel stuck... I want to run. Not good.

It's the little things...

I am feeling so very blessed right now. I was checking email and this is what was in my inbox:

"

Sooo I am having a crazy, busy, stressful, and very full day (thats not even the 1/2 of it!). When things are just crazy and I fell overwhelmed, I try to think of something nice I can do for someone else and that usually helps me feel 'lighter' and more focused about the tasks at hand. Well when I took a breath and just let my mind relax for a second your faced popped right up, so I just Knew that I needed to write you a little note letting you know how wonderful I think you are.

First of all, I love how you always sound happy and excited on the phone. It's nice to know you can call someone and be 99% sure they are going to be happy when they pick up. I think it's great when you send Kira cards or little boxes. She isn't a "I need gifts to feel loved" type of person but she is an "acts of kindness" type of person so when you send those things it affirms her that she is loved and cared about by other people outside of her immediate family (the kids already tell me "your my mom you HAVE to love me"). While going through emails the other day I stumbled upon your pumpkin cookie recipe and Kira and I have decided to print it out and add it to our "family recipe" binder. (so if any of your relatives have special recipes it would be great to add them I want to send Kira off to college with a full recipe book) SO I like how we can share recipes and special stories for Kira. I just personally think your a pretty, nice, kind and a caring person and just thought I should let you know!! Thanks for being so awesome and I hope everything is going well with you!!

Sending my best thoughts and wishes

Trish"

_____
Back in April of 2005 when my ex-husband and I decided divorce was best, I never ever thought for a second about how blessed that choice had been. I knew that what we were choosing was indeed going to be what was best for Kira. Little did we know what a wonderful woman Kira would have raising her and showing her a fantastic example of a woman. Trish, Kira's step-mom, is the blessing I have needed. I know that my daughter is being raised correct and true to the values I instilled in her so many years ago.

I had my struggles at first over jealousy with my ex-husband's new marriage. It was the marriage I wish we would have had (filled with love, home cooking and lots of kids). I realize that God had another woman in mind for him, and I couldn't be happier now. I appreciate knowing that my daughter no longer has to live in a house of false love between her parents. She can be raised with the example of love and kindness and use it for her own family someday.

Decision time.

I have too much time to think when I am left alone all day. Too much time to weigh pros and cons of life here in Portland. Not just the quick decision to move out here, just the things that are different between the two. Family and friend support, job opportunities, church... the usual.

I had the chance to talk with a therapist last week (as part of a depression research study I've been asked to join) and finally felt I had the choice to finally speak my mind about all of these things that have led to my "severe depression" (doctor's diagnosis). Things such as lack of a strong support group, no family around, lack of interaction with my daughter, my previous feelings with my first marriage and more. It was nice to talk to someone about all that has gone on in the last 10 years. Talk about the good and the bad, the hurt and the anger.

The biggest thing I got out of it was that life here would be better if my head would allow it. How to explain that. In the past, being happy was a mental thing. I chose to see the positive in every thing that was thrown my way. I still do it to a point, but am mentally allowing more and more negativity into my life by choosing to focus on how the choices made in my life effect me in the short-term rather than in the long-term. I know that moving to Portland was a big choice. We both thought that the money Ben was to make would be more than enough to live off of and that I wouldn't have to work, or that the money I did make would go straight for extra things like new furniture, vacations, etc. We were very quickly shown that my small part-time job may not make it.

That seems to be the current stress maker in my life. The choice to stay with an amazing job and little wage, or drop it for a full-time job and more pay. I keep referring to the present and how making more money would be more important than my happiness. And then I look at my past and see that every time that life has started to look good and things are going towards good I run from it. Life in Denver last year, before our initial move out here, was going very very well. We both were making very good money and were surrounded by lots of friends and family. We were able to live life pretty comfortably. Then the prompting came to move out here. I followed it and know that it was the correct choice then and it is now. It's the part of me that needs to remember not to regret decisions made in the past, and to focus on the future and to make sure that what happens next is better and more fulfilling than what may have happened in the past.

Regrets are something I thought I never had. But then those negative little "what if" moments start to creep in my head. Huge life decisions over the last 6 years and wonders on "what if" something would have not ended or gone a different way. I then take a moment and step out of that situation and look really good at my life. I have an amazing and supportive husband who has been through a lot of my bad times and still loves me more and more. I have a brilliant and adorable daughter who loves me and is a part of my life. I have an amazing family who loves and encourages me through all of the crap I've put them through over the years. I have friends who are there when I need someone to gripe and complain to. I have a fantastic job with a family who loves not just me, but my husband as well and has invited us to come and be apart of their family activities and their lives.

It's making the conscience decision to make my life back to to the fun, happy life that it once was. To appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what I wish I had. I have so many blessings in my life and I need to remember what happened in the past is the past. To move forward and to know that in the end everything will work out the way God intended it to be.

Tears...

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God.

When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her man through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good man never hurts his woman, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed." "You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Monday- How I Hate You...

My favorite part of the day is bedtime. Not because it means that the day is finally over and I can sleep away my troubles and await a new beginning. It's because at night before bed, I get the chance to lay on my husband's chest and we can just sit and talk about what's been on our mind. It goes from pretty random and weird, to very deep and thoughtful. This has always been my favorite part of the day for the last 3 years.

Here's just a memory that was brought up that we talked about tonight: As a child, before our basement was converted into 2 rooms, we had a large "playroom" where we kept all of our toys and played. One memory I have is of a 3 shelf bookcase that we had that we used to store our toys. I remember it was tall and was an off-white color. I remember that we used to have slumber parties in this bookcase! I couldn't have been that big, but I remember dumping out the toys and grabbing my pillow and blankets and sleeping in them.

What kind of fun things do you remember doing as a child?

The Path...

Last night I had a dream about being in a field similar to this. In this dream I was walking down a path and remember a machine gun being fired towards me, but over my head. I was laying on the ground and the casings were all over the ground around me. I looked up for a second to see other people just walking along like nothing was happening. I realized this and stood up and as soon as I stood up, the gunfire stopped and I could see a man in a tree looking right at me. I turned and started walking back down the path and at that point woke up.

I was discussing this dream with Ben this morning and here is his interpretation: The path is like my path in life (obvious) and the fact that only I am being shot at is reference to the fact that at time I feel that I am the only one having difficulties while everyone else around me walks freely going on with their lives.

This has felt very true in the last few days. Our bank account has dwindled down to almost nothing due to bills and an unexpected car repair. We have 4 more days until we can put money in the bank and wondering if we will be ok living on $0.95 until then. I feel bad calling parents and asking if they can put $20 in our account for those few days, but I have a job where I now have to keep the girls entertained from 9am until the eldest goes to school at 12:45pm. My husband is sick, so coming over to my house is not an option. It takes gas to drive to parks (though there are plenty around here) and we are down to 3/4 tank.

We shall see how this goes! I know it will work out, and I have the faith required... it's just getting to be like this week after week and I am sick of just scraping by. This may require me to get a full-time job. But that is for another blog.

SURPRISE!!!

I got the best email from my daughter's step-mom today:

"I wanted to send these pictures to you (finally got them loaded). Kira was soooo thrilled to receive her package from you and since I knew what was in it I made her wait until I had the camera ready to go. She was going "oh pants, pants, more pants. Huh, that was nice" and I said KIRA there is something in the bottom of the bag and then she peaks down into the bag and FLIPS OUT! She let out a Huge "OOOHHHH!!!!" and yelled and jumped up and down "mommy it's the zebra shirt, it's the zebra shirt" and of course had to run and try it on and then pick out the outfit for school in the morning (all based around the zebra shirt) SO needless to say, you completely made her day! It was so nice of you to remember she wanted it and look for it and get it for her, you have a very kind and sweet heart. Enjoy these pics and I think I have one of her open house too :) Take care."

I was so excited to find the shirt that she wanted (plus is was 50% off when I got it!)!! I'm even more excited that her step-mom is thoughtful enough to send me pictures!

I love being a mom!

Here are the pictures:

I sent a bag with some boring pants... but what is at the bottom??

Is that...

It's the zebra shirt she's been wanting!!! Can't you just see the joy?! I love it!

Fourth grade open house:

They Moved On...

While talking with Ben during his lunch, he came up with a good point. We realized that when we moved back to Denver last November, we realized that all our friends had seemed to move on in lives and didn't seem to have the time for us when we moved back. We know that we lived quite a distance away, but were always more than willing to make the 45 min drive up to them, or meet half way. In the 4 months we were back, only one friend took us up on this (and we love your new house!).

We have realized it happened here in OR/WA as well. Granted, our friends here did stand up and help us out when we needed it, but it seems that along the way bridge was burned and we no longer are on speaking terms with two friends we care about deeply. We have invited them to see our new places (the house and the apt) and notify them when we are up their way, but have lost all communication with them at this point.

It's hard for this to happen to us. We have been back in Oregon for 6 months, and are struggling to make friends. We have... "acquaintances". There are a few that I would trust, but no one that I can call on a whim to go to lunch or do some shopping with. I miss having my sisters around. If I was bored, I could call my sister and just do nothing together and that was ok.

This is all opinion and how I'm feeling right now. I don't mean to offend anyone that reads this and think it may apply to you. And if you think it does, you now know how I feel and that I would like to go do something!

Change.

I realized this morning that today was to be my last day as a nanny to just two children! In a few days, the two girls I nanny will have a new baby brother added to their family!

I had all kinds of plans at the beginning of the day- go on the Tram, play around downtown, go to OMSI.. but then the drizzle and rain started. I have a smaller vehicle, and won't be able to go anywhere with more than two children so I took advantage of actually going places with the girls instead. Got gas in the car, got an oil change (that didn't help the engine light- it's still on) and let the oldest girl pick out her new high-back booster seat for my car. That was an adventure in itself!

Tomorrow starts the first day of preschool for this little one, so we got the needed supplies and decorated her little school bag. It turned out pretty cute with the iron-on decals, puff paint and block iron-on lettering. I was quite proud of it!

Overall, a very good day with two of my favorite little girls!

Falling.

Over the years I've done a lot of reading about the meaning of my dreams. I've learned to recognize what they mean and corralate them to my life. Keep in mind that my dream are VERY vivid. I can smell, taste, hear, see and feel everything in my dream. Sometimes I see it in the first person, and sometimes as a third person.

Last night was a weird one. I should have typed this up sooner after waking up, but I'll write the part that impacted me the most. I have had several dreams lately about going on an uncontrollable roller coaster ride. Last night's was very, very scary and real. It wasn't about a roller coaster, but a very steep hill.

In my dream, my husband and I were driving somewhere (he was doing the driving). I remember that we were lost and he had said he knew where he was going and to just have faith in me. We turned onto a road I didn't recognize and I could see that it was a very steep decline- like a roller coaster! I remember not wanting to see it and closing my eyes very tight and feeling the sensation of weightlessness. This falling sensation happened 2 or 3 times in that dream.

Looking at my life, it is very reflective of what is going on in life. I've learned to just hold on and close my eyes and have faith that it will all work out and that everything is going to be ok.

Note: I love roller coasters- just not in my dreams.

Not why, but why not!

A friend posted this as her status:

"does anyone else out there ever just sit back and think about how life works....why some people have to deal with more hard times then others....why there are rich and poor....why we as people have to deal with emotions...."

Here was my response:

"I will never wonder why. I know that this is all part of a plan bigger than I will ever know. I know that everything that I do or say in life has been pre-planned by my Heavenly Father before I was even given this life to life. The bad in my life was there the make me strong now. The hurt has taught me that I am alive. And the joy is to remind me who I am and why I am here."

I didn't fully believe this a few years ago. I was totally the same as her, always wondering "why me?" or "why not me?". It wasn't until I was forced to deal with a very tragic event a few years ago that I saw the "why" in my life. I knew why it was happening and knew that it was to happen at that time for that reason. It took a few years to look back and see it, but I am now there.

Yes, we are struggling right now- but no one put us here but us. It was our life choices, not anyone else's.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Rachel Ann.

On Monday, my wonderful sister turns 27. Her turning that age is making me feel so old. Even though we are only 4 1/2 years apart, I am still amazed when she turns an age I can so clearly remember. I'm more amazed at how different our lives are at 27. At 27 I had a 5 year old daughter, I had already been married for 4 years and divorced for almost 2. I had a career as a medical biller and was dating someone pretty steadily.

Rachel at 27 is far from that. Still single, finally in a relationship with her best friend (after trying to date him for a few years), in the same job she's had since she was 19... amazing. I have my moments where I wished I had her life. Single, carefree, no rent, no basic bills...

But then I look at my life now at 31 and am happy. I can only hope that in 4 1/2 years when she is 31 she is as happy as I am. I met my husband at 28- so there is still hope.

But back to the purpose of this blog- to honor my amazing sister.

Rachel Ann. Child number 4 in our family. I love this girl. Over the last few years she has truly turned out to be my best friend. I love just talking to her about nothing. I miss living in Denver and having someone to just be bored with. To talk about crap tv with and just have girl time. I miss hanging out on the weekends at my parents' house and just sitting on the chair/love seats and talking about nothing. I've enjoyed thought being able to still talk a lot about life and what's going on. I love talking to her a lot mostly because I literally have no life and here's is so full of such juicy drama. She really should have a tv show about her life. Crazy.

To Rachel- I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to come visit this weekend and spend time with you on my birthday. I love you and love having you as my sister. Thank you for listening when I needed someone to hear, and calling me when you are bored. ;)

My Fourth Grader

Tomorrow is my daughter's first day of school- 4th grade!! New school, new friends, new year! I can't believe how grown up she is getting too! I can have somewhat adult conversations with her and am just so proud of her!

I will post pictures once I get them from her step-mom!
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Pictures from school shopping and first day:Kira and I after school clothes shopping. Look how tall she is getting!!


First day of school!

3 Years Later...

This all started because I was bored and wanted free food.

August 29, 2008 there was a bar-b-que for the end of the summer for my church group (people ages 18-30). It was a big deal being put on in north Denver (about 45 minutes from where I was living). I went in the hopes that people from my old group would be there since I hadn't seen them since I had moved a few months earlier. I got there and soon realized that I didn't know too many people. So, I grabbed some food and sat on a bench to eat and then leave. Right after I sat down, a cute guy walked up and was just standing there eating. Somehow, the conversation got on about being the only one there divorced with a kid. Little did I know that single comment would land the man of my dreams!

We ended up hanging out and talking in his car long after everyone had left. Actually, the only reason we stopped talking was because around midnight cops showed up knocking on the window wondering what we were up to.

There was instant chemistry! We went on an informal "date" the next day with me and the kids I nannied at the time. Got a chance to talk and see if it could go anywhere. We both knew right away there was that spark, attraction, that thing that everyone is looking for. We covered the main "what are you looking for" topics the night before.

So here we are three years later. Still in love, still having an amazing time just talking in the car! We've conquered some struggles and risen up pretty high. We are each others best friend. I am so lucky to have taken that chance to go to that bbq. I met my husband!

I feel Dirrrrty!

Wow. For the first time in 3 years I have a pretty messy house- messy by my standards. After I am done with the girls, I just want to come home and veg.

Ok, enough whining. Time to get back to my show.

In Shock.

It's been just over 24 hours since I left off to Kennewick, WA to see my daughter and do some back to school shopping for her. I made the 3 hour drive and was looking forward to grabbing just a few things (including a backpack) and then getting some time to take some pictures of us.

But I am learning, that when I plan something it NEVER works out the way I thought it would or the way I wanted it to. I will say up front that this blog today is me venting out my frustration with the day's adventures. If you get offended, I did warn you.

I got to Target around 10:45, after being asked to come before 11:30 so we would have time to shop. Kira and the crew (her dad, step-mom and 3 younger half siblings ages 4 years, 17 months and 3 months) showed up around 11:30 and we got started. What I should have done was let them know my limit money wise and set up a clothing item maximum (3 shirts, 2 pants) like my mom used to do. We all went wandering around the girls' department looking for shirts that Kira likes. Keep in mind, Kira will now go to a private school where uniforms are required and I have already bought 7 polos and 6 pairs of khaki pants for this. We walked out of Target with another polo, matching skirt, 3 shirts, 2 pairs of leggings and another skirt. When the total came up I was literally shaking! I won't mention the total, but I was in shock. I personally never shop retail. I did splurge and buy a shirt myself at Target, but that was the first time since my birthday in April (and I used a gift card I was given then).

And, since we didn't find a backpack at Target, it was onto Fred Meyer for more searching. Again, off to more shopping. I was still in shock when I got to the store and trying to just breathe deep. She found a backpack and I thought to myself, "Ok... now we can go!" But no, her step-mom wanted to go grab some more stuff. I REALLY should have said something, but didn't. Lesson has been clearly learned. We walked out of that store with a pair of shoes (to wear with her new skirts and leggings), a dress, 2 shirts and some more leggings. Just even thinking about it makes me disappointed and anxious. I have never spent so much money on clothes in one day!!

Keep in mind, I did hint the entire time, "This is way past my $100 budget I had for clothes and school supplies." But it didn't seem to phase her step-mom. All she said was, "I usually budget $250-300 per child for back to school." Does she not realize that I do not have that much extra around? We are still getting on our feet right now! Luckily, we kind of had the money extra to afford the spending yesterday, but it means now we have nothing to save from these paychecks.

I know that I should be happy that Kira is happy, but all I can think about is the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" of things. What I should have said, what I could've stopped... ugh. Oh well. I guess Christmas will be cheap for her and me. I'm glad we didn't do the mall!! Though, I'm sure SEARS and JCPenney's has some better deals going on... Ben made a good point to just bring cash and when the cash is gone, we are done! Man, I have me a smart husband!

Lesson of the day: When you are uncomfortable in a situation, stand up for yourself and make it known you are uncomfortable no matter the consequence. Don't let excuses cloud your thoughts.

Love My Sisters!

Along the lines of my last blog, I am insanely missing my sisters right now. Just having a female around to talk about Glee or hair or clothing would be so nice to have! Phone calls are great, but not the same as face-to-face sister time.

My sisters are AWESOME!!!! Not just in that "I have to say it" way, but they truly are. I love being with them. Sure we bitch about each other behind backs, but what is love without honesty- even if it isn't to your face?!

I was planning on flying to Denver for my sister's 27th birthday over Labor Day weekend. Well, that isn't looking like it's going to happen. Actually, any trip back home to see family isn't working too well in my favor. This makes me very, very homesick. Just to drive down familiar streets, see faces of people I know.

It's the hugs I miss the most. I miss those sincere, don't-want-to-let-go hugs. I haven't had one in a while (outside of my husband) since my sisters came up in April. That's a long time!

I'm looking forward to life finally settling and being a little more consistent. Financially, emotionally and otherwise. I know that moment will come. And when it does- I look forward to sitting with my sisters and just talking crap about people behind their backs. It's what we do, don't judge us!


So this is for you, Rachel and Bekah Boo:
I love you guys more than I will ever be able to say in words or in actions. I love you for who you have become and who you are yet to be. I am so glad Heavenly Father chose you to be my sisters for Eternity. You have both grown into amazing women and I have been honored to be able to call you my sister. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you the most. Thank you for listening to me bitch and whine. Thank you for sticking by me those horrible four years (you know which ones) while I was stuck inside my bubble. Thanks for being true to yourselves and sticking up for what you believe. Thank you, above all, for loving me.
I'm so excited to see where life takes you. Through marriage (the good and the bad times), through your children and through all the small trials and challenges that we will all face. Please know that I am here for you no matter what. I will never ever judge you. I have been there, I have lived through it and I know what I am talking about. I love being your older sister and hope that I am becoming a better model for you. Keep your standards high, and your panty lines hidden! You are always more than welcome to call me at any time. I will listen if you need me to listen, and I will talk when you need me to talk.
So, until the next time we can laugh and hug- know that I pray for your happiness every single night. Even though I can't be there physically, I am there in thought. I love you so very much.

Forever and always, Sarah

Alone

Some things just aren't meant to be posted on Facebook, so I'm putting this in here.

Tonight was a Relief Society activity- an activity for the women in my church. Dutch oven dinner and a few games. I showed up a little early and noticed that I was guest #4 to arrive, and also the only one near my age (within 20 years). I'm also still somewhat new to the group, so I was feeling a little out of place. I smiled and introduced myself, and then everyone went back to whatever conversation they were having. I've been with this church group (called a ward) since the middle of March. I was hoping that by now I would have had a few friends to go to these activities with. I understand that I was kind of stand-offish due to the fact that we weren't sure if we were going to stay in the ward or go to another one. But, now that we are in our new place I was kind of hoping to get the chance to get to know more people, and not just on Sundays.

I made a big realization tonight- I'm turning into an introvert! Anyone that knows me well, will say that I am NOT an introvert. I love going out and meeting people and making friends with everyone. I'm kind of loud and tend to be in the middle of things... but not anymore! I've noticed over the past 10 years (since meeting my ex-husband), that my wild ways are a lot more tame now. I remember having gatherings with friends and just going in and taking over the party. Meeting everyone in there, and just being very assertive. I got back into that role post-divorce when I was single and "trying to find myself", but have quickly realized that once married I no longer needed to be that person. I had found my mate, and it was time to settle down.

Then there are times like tonight, when I see a group of gals my age, I longingly gaze over and wish that I had the courage to say hi to them and even just get to know their names! I'm kind of stuck in between with my age though. The "dental school wives" are all in their mid-20s and seem to all be from Utah. And then the other group have 3 or 4 kids and talk about playgroups.

Life feels like that sometimes too. Like I'm stuck in between things right now. I'm not the young, hip 20-something newlywed. And I'm not over 35 with a few kids and a house. I'm just... here.

My self-esteem has taken a beating, and it's starting to show. I try my best to at least say hi to people, but am finding my husband is becoming much better at that then me. I no longer stand up and introduce myself, because I fear that who I am may not be accepted with my peers.

These are things I didn't think I would ever feel. I've always been a very confident person. Just kind of stuck wondering what happened...

Camping & The ER

What a fantastic opportunity!! My bosses rent out a couple of spots, along with family members, at Detroit Lake here in Oregon. We only had 2 free nights available, so we took them!

We headed out Saturday morning and got into camp around 11:30. Got the tent set up and headed out to the lake. What beauty! We got out to the lake, set up chairs, tied up the dogs and got into the water. Helped set up some of the floating toys and just had a great time. Then Ben decided he wanted to go on one of the jet skis. He got up on it and started to head up. While watching for boats and people, the jet ski tipped! While he was trying to pull himself back into the jet ski, he dislocated his shoulder! I realized this when he started his "I'm hurt" scream. I called for my boss to come out and help me get Ben off the jet ski. We got him off and man was he in pain! We called up for my other boss, who is a nurse, but she was unable to help. So, we found the park ranger and found out we had to go to the hospital- 40 miles away! So, we got going! Unfortunately, when you have a dislocated shoulder you notice every single turn and bump in the road. Well, we were pretty far out in the woods and there were a lot of turns and bumps on the way in! We finally got to the ER and I had to drop Ben off while I went to park the car. To make the story short, he was admitted and sedated. He was eventually knocked completely out to get that shoulder back in!

We got out of the ER around 6, just in time for dinner. After 4 hours ad a lot of stress, Ben's shoulder was put into place and meds were picked up. We were set for the weekend.. of so you'd think. When we got into the car, we found out Eddie had gotten to Ben's glasses! (He had taken them off while they were drugging him up, and I put them in the car so I wouldn't lose them...ha!) No, Ben didn't pack his contacts. When we got back to camp, he added a little duct tape and called it good. What chaos! (Appointments for orthopedic surgeon and eye doctor were made as soon as we got back.)

Day two went a lot better. Another day out on the lake!
Ben sat out on the sidelines with the shoulder immobilizer on. It was fun just hanging out with everyone, and finally getting a chance to get to know my bosses and really who they are! It was awesome!

After lake time, we headed up to the campsite to have some more yummy food (I didn't have to cook at all!) and just calm down after a busy day.

It was nice to just relax, play a couple rounds of UNO and just talk. I loved having this weekend with Ben. It was nice not having errands to run or laundry to do. Just sit and relax the entire time. There were about 15 people in the group and we just would sit by the fire at night and just talk and talk. Last night (our final night), everyone got together and played a few rounds of Poker and BlackJack. Ben and I were worn out from not sleeping well the night before, so we called it a night and went to the tent. We got up early the next morning, packed up and got ready to head back to reality. Had ourselves some amazing breakfast casserole and then headed up. Dogs have been bathed, car is slowly unpacking (too danged hot to do too much for now), Ben is off to work, doctor appointments are made.. overall a good weekend. I can't wait to do this all again!!

Try, try again!

This will come across as TMI to most, but it's what's going on with me.

My husband and I have been "trying" to get pregnant for over 2 years now. Now that we have moved and are getting settled, I thought it was ironic that my period was 3 weeks late! I was getting all of the "symptoms" that come with pregnancy (nausea, lightheaded, etc) so I took a test when I was 1 week late- negative. Hmmm...

But, Aunt Flow decided to show up today. So, here we go again! I used to take my aunt showing up as a bed thing, but now I see it as another chance to keep practicing!

Life Goals

Since life is full of "coulda, shoulda, woulda", I'm going to make a list of things I'd like to accomplish before I die. Most aren't completely unrealistic, just unobtainable right now in life. I will add more as I think of them.

1. Make a cd for my daughter of her favorite bed time songs.
2. Join the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
3. Own a home.
4. Be debt free.
5. See Europe.
6. Visit Hawaii.
7. Go on a real cruise.
8. Go skydiving.
9. Tour Soldier Field/ visit Chicago.
10. See a play on Broadway.
11. Do something ALONE with my daughter (no step-mom or dad to "supervise")
12. Have more kids
13. Live downtown.
14. Make $100k per year.
15. Have no car payments.
16. See the pyramids.
17. Visit my grandma in PA. (I haven't seen her since 1987)
18. Own a flat screen tv
19. Shopping spree with no monetary limit!
20. Eat a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity in NYC
21. Own my own piano (NOT a keyboard)

Curses

$500 later and our car is now running!

I'm thankful to have a car that runs correctly (it was a gear shift solenoid), but am not liking the unexpected cost associated! We were considering trading in for a newer vehicle, but realized car payments are pretty low now and we can't guarantee that with a newer car.

Life is stressful, but for all the right reasons.

Eddie was bored.

It's not like we hadn't done it before, in fact we do it pretty often. We leave Eddie and Elway alone in the car on cool days. Not a big deal, right?

Well, that has now changed. Ben and I needed out of the house, so we put the dogs in the car and drove out the mall. Weather was around 62, so it was ok to leave them in a car while we browsed.

An hour later, we come back to the car. No big deal.. until I open up the back door. I noticed my entire scripture case (which is a bag that holds magazines, etc) all over the floor in the back and all over half of the seat. In the middle of all of this, my bible with a few chew marks and a very chewed on red pencil (used to mark scriptures). I was on the phone with my sister when I got the the car, and the words that came out of my mouth were not pretty (it rhymed with trucker).

I have had these scriptures for 13 years! They even still had my maiden name on them! UGH! I was planning on buying newer, bigger ones in a few months and am very blessed that they weren't totally ruined. Here are a few pictures to show the damage.





Oh, and earlier that day (while we were at church) Eddie had somehow gotten down my extra glasses and decided that they would make a good chew toy. I have only worn this pair a handful of times too! See below:


Needless to say, we are slowly learning with Eddie what to not expect. When you think you have everything put away and up where it can not be reached, he finds it. We have had our doubts about adopting him, but know that we could never give up on him.

Next challenge, getting his barking under control. He's even teaching Elway to bark!