Decision time.

I have too much time to think when I am left alone all day. Too much time to weigh pros and cons of life here in Portland. Not just the quick decision to move out here, just the things that are different between the two. Family and friend support, job opportunities, church... the usual.

I had the chance to talk with a therapist last week (as part of a depression research study I've been asked to join) and finally felt I had the choice to finally speak my mind about all of these things that have led to my "severe depression" (doctor's diagnosis). Things such as lack of a strong support group, no family around, lack of interaction with my daughter, my previous feelings with my first marriage and more. It was nice to talk to someone about all that has gone on in the last 10 years. Talk about the good and the bad, the hurt and the anger.

The biggest thing I got out of it was that life here would be better if my head would allow it. How to explain that. In the past, being happy was a mental thing. I chose to see the positive in every thing that was thrown my way. I still do it to a point, but am mentally allowing more and more negativity into my life by choosing to focus on how the choices made in my life effect me in the short-term rather than in the long-term. I know that moving to Portland was a big choice. We both thought that the money Ben was to make would be more than enough to live off of and that I wouldn't have to work, or that the money I did make would go straight for extra things like new furniture, vacations, etc. We were very quickly shown that my small part-time job may not make it.

That seems to be the current stress maker in my life. The choice to stay with an amazing job and little wage, or drop it for a full-time job and more pay. I keep referring to the present and how making more money would be more important than my happiness. And then I look at my past and see that every time that life has started to look good and things are going towards good I run from it. Life in Denver last year, before our initial move out here, was going very very well. We both were making very good money and were surrounded by lots of friends and family. We were able to live life pretty comfortably. Then the prompting came to move out here. I followed it and know that it was the correct choice then and it is now. It's the part of me that needs to remember not to regret decisions made in the past, and to focus on the future and to make sure that what happens next is better and more fulfilling than what may have happened in the past.

Regrets are something I thought I never had. But then those negative little "what if" moments start to creep in my head. Huge life decisions over the last 6 years and wonders on "what if" something would have not ended or gone a different way. I then take a moment and step out of that situation and look really good at my life. I have an amazing and supportive husband who has been through a lot of my bad times and still loves me more and more. I have a brilliant and adorable daughter who loves me and is a part of my life. I have an amazing family who loves and encourages me through all of the crap I've put them through over the years. I have friends who are there when I need someone to gripe and complain to. I have a fantastic job with a family who loves not just me, but my husband as well and has invited us to come and be apart of their family activities and their lives.

It's making the conscience decision to make my life back to to the fun, happy life that it once was. To appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what I wish I had. I have so many blessings in my life and I need to remember what happened in the past is the past. To move forward and to know that in the end everything will work out the way God intended it to be.

Tears...

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God.

When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her man through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good man never hurts his woman, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed." "You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Monday- How I Hate You...

My favorite part of the day is bedtime. Not because it means that the day is finally over and I can sleep away my troubles and await a new beginning. It's because at night before bed, I get the chance to lay on my husband's chest and we can just sit and talk about what's been on our mind. It goes from pretty random and weird, to very deep and thoughtful. This has always been my favorite part of the day for the last 3 years.

Here's just a memory that was brought up that we talked about tonight: As a child, before our basement was converted into 2 rooms, we had a large "playroom" where we kept all of our toys and played. One memory I have is of a 3 shelf bookcase that we had that we used to store our toys. I remember it was tall and was an off-white color. I remember that we used to have slumber parties in this bookcase! I couldn't have been that big, but I remember dumping out the toys and grabbing my pillow and blankets and sleeping in them.

What kind of fun things do you remember doing as a child?

The Path...

Last night I had a dream about being in a field similar to this. In this dream I was walking down a path and remember a machine gun being fired towards me, but over my head. I was laying on the ground and the casings were all over the ground around me. I looked up for a second to see other people just walking along like nothing was happening. I realized this and stood up and as soon as I stood up, the gunfire stopped and I could see a man in a tree looking right at me. I turned and started walking back down the path and at that point woke up.

I was discussing this dream with Ben this morning and here is his interpretation: The path is like my path in life (obvious) and the fact that only I am being shot at is reference to the fact that at time I feel that I am the only one having difficulties while everyone else around me walks freely going on with their lives.

This has felt very true in the last few days. Our bank account has dwindled down to almost nothing due to bills and an unexpected car repair. We have 4 more days until we can put money in the bank and wondering if we will be ok living on $0.95 until then. I feel bad calling parents and asking if they can put $20 in our account for those few days, but I have a job where I now have to keep the girls entertained from 9am until the eldest goes to school at 12:45pm. My husband is sick, so coming over to my house is not an option. It takes gas to drive to parks (though there are plenty around here) and we are down to 3/4 tank.

We shall see how this goes! I know it will work out, and I have the faith required... it's just getting to be like this week after week and I am sick of just scraping by. This may require me to get a full-time job. But that is for another blog.

SURPRISE!!!

I got the best email from my daughter's step-mom today:

"I wanted to send these pictures to you (finally got them loaded). Kira was soooo thrilled to receive her package from you and since I knew what was in it I made her wait until I had the camera ready to go. She was going "oh pants, pants, more pants. Huh, that was nice" and I said KIRA there is something in the bottom of the bag and then she peaks down into the bag and FLIPS OUT! She let out a Huge "OOOHHHH!!!!" and yelled and jumped up and down "mommy it's the zebra shirt, it's the zebra shirt" and of course had to run and try it on and then pick out the outfit for school in the morning (all based around the zebra shirt) SO needless to say, you completely made her day! It was so nice of you to remember she wanted it and look for it and get it for her, you have a very kind and sweet heart. Enjoy these pics and I think I have one of her open house too :) Take care."

I was so excited to find the shirt that she wanted (plus is was 50% off when I got it!)!! I'm even more excited that her step-mom is thoughtful enough to send me pictures!

I love being a mom!

Here are the pictures:

I sent a bag with some boring pants... but what is at the bottom??

Is that...

It's the zebra shirt she's been wanting!!! Can't you just see the joy?! I love it!

Fourth grade open house:

They Moved On...

While talking with Ben during his lunch, he came up with a good point. We realized that when we moved back to Denver last November, we realized that all our friends had seemed to move on in lives and didn't seem to have the time for us when we moved back. We know that we lived quite a distance away, but were always more than willing to make the 45 min drive up to them, or meet half way. In the 4 months we were back, only one friend took us up on this (and we love your new house!).

We have realized it happened here in OR/WA as well. Granted, our friends here did stand up and help us out when we needed it, but it seems that along the way bridge was burned and we no longer are on speaking terms with two friends we care about deeply. We have invited them to see our new places (the house and the apt) and notify them when we are up their way, but have lost all communication with them at this point.

It's hard for this to happen to us. We have been back in Oregon for 6 months, and are struggling to make friends. We have... "acquaintances". There are a few that I would trust, but no one that I can call on a whim to go to lunch or do some shopping with. I miss having my sisters around. If I was bored, I could call my sister and just do nothing together and that was ok.

This is all opinion and how I'm feeling right now. I don't mean to offend anyone that reads this and think it may apply to you. And if you think it does, you now know how I feel and that I would like to go do something!

Change.

I realized this morning that today was to be my last day as a nanny to just two children! In a few days, the two girls I nanny will have a new baby brother added to their family!

I had all kinds of plans at the beginning of the day- go on the Tram, play around downtown, go to OMSI.. but then the drizzle and rain started. I have a smaller vehicle, and won't be able to go anywhere with more than two children so I took advantage of actually going places with the girls instead. Got gas in the car, got an oil change (that didn't help the engine light- it's still on) and let the oldest girl pick out her new high-back booster seat for my car. That was an adventure in itself!

Tomorrow starts the first day of preschool for this little one, so we got the needed supplies and decorated her little school bag. It turned out pretty cute with the iron-on decals, puff paint and block iron-on lettering. I was quite proud of it!

Overall, a very good day with two of my favorite little girls!

Falling.

Over the years I've done a lot of reading about the meaning of my dreams. I've learned to recognize what they mean and corralate them to my life. Keep in mind that my dream are VERY vivid. I can smell, taste, hear, see and feel everything in my dream. Sometimes I see it in the first person, and sometimes as a third person.

Last night was a weird one. I should have typed this up sooner after waking up, but I'll write the part that impacted me the most. I have had several dreams lately about going on an uncontrollable roller coaster ride. Last night's was very, very scary and real. It wasn't about a roller coaster, but a very steep hill.

In my dream, my husband and I were driving somewhere (he was doing the driving). I remember that we were lost and he had said he knew where he was going and to just have faith in me. We turned onto a road I didn't recognize and I could see that it was a very steep decline- like a roller coaster! I remember not wanting to see it and closing my eyes very tight and feeling the sensation of weightlessness. This falling sensation happened 2 or 3 times in that dream.

Looking at my life, it is very reflective of what is going on in life. I've learned to just hold on and close my eyes and have faith that it will all work out and that everything is going to be ok.

Note: I love roller coasters- just not in my dreams.

Not why, but why not!

A friend posted this as her status:

"does anyone else out there ever just sit back and think about how life works....why some people have to deal with more hard times then others....why there are rich and poor....why we as people have to deal with emotions...."

Here was my response:

"I will never wonder why. I know that this is all part of a plan bigger than I will ever know. I know that everything that I do or say in life has been pre-planned by my Heavenly Father before I was even given this life to life. The bad in my life was there the make me strong now. The hurt has taught me that I am alive. And the joy is to remind me who I am and why I am here."

I didn't fully believe this a few years ago. I was totally the same as her, always wondering "why me?" or "why not me?". It wasn't until I was forced to deal with a very tragic event a few years ago that I saw the "why" in my life. I knew why it was happening and knew that it was to happen at that time for that reason. It took a few years to look back and see it, but I am now there.

Yes, we are struggling right now- but no one put us here but us. It was our life choices, not anyone else's.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Rachel Ann.

On Monday, my wonderful sister turns 27. Her turning that age is making me feel so old. Even though we are only 4 1/2 years apart, I am still amazed when she turns an age I can so clearly remember. I'm more amazed at how different our lives are at 27. At 27 I had a 5 year old daughter, I had already been married for 4 years and divorced for almost 2. I had a career as a medical biller and was dating someone pretty steadily.

Rachel at 27 is far from that. Still single, finally in a relationship with her best friend (after trying to date him for a few years), in the same job she's had since she was 19... amazing. I have my moments where I wished I had her life. Single, carefree, no rent, no basic bills...

But then I look at my life now at 31 and am happy. I can only hope that in 4 1/2 years when she is 31 she is as happy as I am. I met my husband at 28- so there is still hope.

But back to the purpose of this blog- to honor my amazing sister.

Rachel Ann. Child number 4 in our family. I love this girl. Over the last few years she has truly turned out to be my best friend. I love just talking to her about nothing. I miss living in Denver and having someone to just be bored with. To talk about crap tv with and just have girl time. I miss hanging out on the weekends at my parents' house and just sitting on the chair/love seats and talking about nothing. I've enjoyed thought being able to still talk a lot about life and what's going on. I love talking to her a lot mostly because I literally have no life and here's is so full of such juicy drama. She really should have a tv show about her life. Crazy.

To Rachel- I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to come visit this weekend and spend time with you on my birthday. I love you and love having you as my sister. Thank you for listening when I needed someone to hear, and calling me when you are bored. ;)