What if....

I was going through the main wall on Facebook and am seeing so many people with their new babies, professional family photos, etc. and it's got me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy for my dear friends who are getting the chance to finally become parents for the first time. Sad, because there is very little chance that Ben and I will ever get the opportunity to hold our own little child in my arms. But then I look at pictures of my own daughter. She brings me so much joy and laughter. It's been hard living so far from her. I talk to her on a weekly basis and see her as often as our schedules allow, but it's not the same.

Having the two girls that I nanny is helping me right now. I love walking through the door in the morning and hearing, "SARAH!! YOU'RE HERE!". It makes my face light up. Their hugs and laughter are sincere. I may be wasting my college degree by being a nanny instead of working 40+ hours/week, but I'm happy- and isn't that what matters most?

I'm catching myself starting to get somewhat negative about life lately. Jealous of others when I have no right to be. I have a supporting and loving husband, a beautiful and smart daughter, a job that brings me joy. What more is there?

I've thought about life's "What if" moments a lot lately. Thinking back on some of the decisions I've made over the past 13 years. My moves, my jobs, my friends, my ex-husband, ex-boyfriends... and I've come to wonder: What if I came across an opportunity to change even one thing about my past? Would I do it? And if I did, what part would I change? How would changing that one moment in my past effect my future? Would I have been at that bbq that night and met the man of my dreams? Would I have divorced my ex-husband sooner and struggled being a single mom?

If I live in my past, I'm wasting time on my present. Watching the finale of The Oprah Winfrey Show today made me realize that this life really is all up to ME! I can't blame anyone but myself for the dilemmas I have been in. My hard times were there because I needed them to be there. And my great times were there to build me up and show me that my life is fantastic.

I'm seeing that my sadness in life right now is starting to effect what I do. I no longer have motivation to even walk the dog! This coming from the girl that used to go out every single night and experience life with friends. I no longer have the motivation to go out and make friends. I've attempted this several times in my new ward, but am firing blanks. I have friends in Vancouver, but living out in West Portland is too far of a drive for either of us to really get a chance to get together on a regular basis. I do have my times where I start to doubt Heavenly Father's plan and wonder why we are back here in Portland at this time. Time will tell that for me at a later point, I guess.

But, until then I will wait. Try my best to just simply enjoy what I can. Try my best to not make an idiot of myself and say "hello" a little more.