I AM MORE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3GOtpwITPQ

This morning while driving home from dropping Ben off at work, I changed the radio and a song came on the radio. I usually don't pay too much attention to a song if I don't know what it is, but when the chorus of this song came on I turned it up a little and just listened...

"You are more than the choices you have made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

I started to really think about my life over the past 12 years. The life I have lead ever since I first moved out of my parents' house and was set free. When I moved to Colorado in 1999 to be a nanny, I was 19 and young and naive. I had somewhat "rebelled" in high school, but was never truly exposed to life. I had done some occasional drinking with friends (sorry, mom) and had been around friends who smoked pot. But that was really my extent of my "craziness" in the small town I grew up in. It wasn't until I moved to Denver, Colorado when I was truly exposed to all the bad the world has to offer. I did my best to stay in church, but found it hard to make friends. I discovered an MSN chatroom and made some "friends" there. We chatted every day and I became part of a group. We even met up outside of the internet at parties where we would never use our real names, just our screen names. That's when the drinking began. Then I started "dating". I use that term loosely. I never really went on dates too often. Usually a one night stand with someone I had met that day. I was "discovering who I am and who I wanted to be". Or at least that's what I was believing at the time. I fell away from church when the guy I was seeing dropped me for my "best friend" in front of my eyes. I had met him at Institute, and was sure that all the other guys there were the same.

Life just spiraled more and more downwards for me. If a guy I liked wanted me to do or try something, I did it. I started losing weight fast and with the weight loss came a slight sexiness and confidence I didn't have before. At one point I was dating 3 guys at the same time. I still remember their names... Jeremy, Tomas and Charles. That's just who I was. I didn't care about myself or the men to really notice what I was doing. I had a job that provided a car and a home. I was paid in cash and spent all of it quick. I would stay out until 4am, be up at 7 to get the girls to the bus and then go back to bed until I had to pick them up. I ended up doing this for 2 years.

It wasn't until I met my ex-husband that I got a chance to settle down. And years and years of doing what I wanted, with whom I wanted when I wanted didn't help in the marriage. I had a man who dictated EVERYTHING. What to wear, what to eat, who to talk to, who not to talk to, what to look at on the internet, what length my hair should be, how much money I was to spend. I gave up all control for what I thought was "love". Shortly after we met, I moved in and found out just after that I was pregnant. Six days later we were married. Very hush hush because we didn't want people thinking we were "those people". You know, the ones that have children BEFORE marriage. Oy! After almost 5 years I finally got the courage to leave. But those years changed me.

"'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to."

Because of my faith, I knew that everything up to April 26, 2005 (the day I left my ex-husband) had happened for a reason. I knew that those 2 years of stupidity were for a reason. I knew why I had my daughter when I did and with whom I did. I can look back and see the lessons I learned. I can see my choices and the results. I know that without my daughter, my ex-husband and my dumb life choices I would still be lost. I see that in my sisters. They are still experiencing the difficulties that I faced when I was their age. Figuring out an unstable marriage, or going through life feeling alone in a world of "happy people". Wanting what the other person has and wondering when I will be able to experience that too. I would see my friends on Facebook with their happy lives and children and perfect hair. I'd see their vacations and pictures and just sit and be so jealous. Feeling like I was stuck in the life I was in, never thinking I would get a chance to be "happy" like they were.

"This is not about how you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved."

At age 31, I am finally loving myself. I am finally letting go of my jealousy and anger. I am opening my eyes to what I have, not what I want. Sure, I would love to have a few kids and live in a nice house and drive nicer vehicles. But I'm not meant to have that right now. My life I am in is here for me now because it is all part of a Plan. A Plan that was predetermined for me before I came here. I will try my best to make the best I can out of every day. I know that things won't always be ok, and that life will continue to go on.

Life has led me to the point I am at. I have an amazing husband, whom I am madly in love with and am so very proud of. He supports me with all of my crazy thoughts and ideas and I love him more and more every day. I have a beautiful, smart, loving daughter who I know loves me. I have two adorable dogs who will love me unconditionally. I have a fantastic job that provides me with happiness and love every single day. We are living in Portland, Oregon in a house that may not be ours, but was sent to us as a blessing in a time when we are needing it. I am seeing my Plan being laid out before. I have a huge amount of Faith in knowing that everything will turn out for the better.

I have been at the bottom of my life's barrel. I have been what it is like to always have to look up and life. I am finally getting to the point where I am at peace with where I am. I can start to smile again and enjoy. I am trying to keep the negative out as much as I can and really start to see the positive in those around me, even when they can't see it for themselves.

"You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade."