Space Case

Life is known to be overwhelming. I get that. But for these last 2 months, I just feel so overwhelmed and I just sit and cry. I didn't want to move.

We had dreams and hope. We had a plan A and when that fell through we had a plan B. Who knew ONE person could take away my hopes and dreams? I believe God has a plan. And as part of this plan, we are in this tiny, cramped, stinky apartment for a reason. It all fell into place to be here, so I might as well start enjoying it.. right?

I hate moving. I hate the packing up, leaving friends, unpacking, figuring life out. We move about once a year (sometimes more depending on life). I'm so over it. I did NOT want to move this last time, but thought we would be in a house right now. A house with a yard, and an excuse to buy paint. A yard for the dog, stairs, space.. *sigh*.

I know this is coming off as one giant complaint, but that's because it is.

Here's what I'm feeling: my friends are gone, though they are just a few miles away. My home is in chaos. Though looking at it, you would be impressed that in just 2 weeks we are 90% unpacked and organized. But to me it's a mess. I no longer have the motivation to do the simplest of things like the dishes. It's not like me to let dishes sit in the sink after making a meal. But the pots in the sink have been there since Thursday. I just do not have the energy anymore. Same with laundry. I takes so much just to do laundry lately. It isn't like I have a ton to do either. There is just two of us, and I really only have 2-3 loads a week. I only get motivated when the husband is out of underwear or work pants. It really takes a lot for me to WANT to do these.

I blame my depression. It's back and in full force. If it were up to it, I'd be in bed all day. Literally. I would get out to use the restroom and that's it. No food, no nothing. My poor husband. He's such a support. He understands life is hard right now. He sees me cry and wants to help, but I don't know how to rewind time. I want to go back to 5 years ago. When life was still promising. I wasn't struggling with 5 years of infertility. I wasn't moving around from apartment to apartment. Life was pretty decent. I had a good job, sort of, we were in a new relationship with all the butterflies (I still have those, so no need to go back to that).

It's just different now. Life is stable. We have good jobs, good money, a good place to live. I am married to an incredible man who would move the earth and more for me. I should be on cloud 9 all the time, but instead I just want to cry and sleep. All... the... time.

I miss my daughter, I yearn for kids of our own, I want to take these vacations I see all our friends going on, I want to just be that happy person I know that I deserve to be. I want to have weekly girls' nights and actually have people show up (it's usually just me and the dog). I want friends to help me when I need help, to be there to do things with. ..

That's enough for now. Time to put on a happy face, make some cookies, and get ready to help out a dear friend.