Alone

Some things just aren't meant to be posted on Facebook, so I'm putting this in here.

Tonight was a Relief Society activity- an activity for the women in my church. Dutch oven dinner and a few games. I showed up a little early and noticed that I was guest #4 to arrive, and also the only one near my age (within 20 years). I'm also still somewhat new to the group, so I was feeling a little out of place. I smiled and introduced myself, and then everyone went back to whatever conversation they were having. I've been with this church group (called a ward) since the middle of March. I was hoping that by now I would have had a few friends to go to these activities with. I understand that I was kind of stand-offish due to the fact that we weren't sure if we were going to stay in the ward or go to another one. But, now that we are in our new place I was kind of hoping to get the chance to get to know more people, and not just on Sundays.

I made a big realization tonight- I'm turning into an introvert! Anyone that knows me well, will say that I am NOT an introvert. I love going out and meeting people and making friends with everyone. I'm kind of loud and tend to be in the middle of things... but not anymore! I've noticed over the past 10 years (since meeting my ex-husband), that my wild ways are a lot more tame now. I remember having gatherings with friends and just going in and taking over the party. Meeting everyone in there, and just being very assertive. I got back into that role post-divorce when I was single and "trying to find myself", but have quickly realized that once married I no longer needed to be that person. I had found my mate, and it was time to settle down.

Then there are times like tonight, when I see a group of gals my age, I longingly gaze over and wish that I had the courage to say hi to them and even just get to know their names! I'm kind of stuck in between with my age though. The "dental school wives" are all in their mid-20s and seem to all be from Utah. And then the other group have 3 or 4 kids and talk about playgroups.

Life feels like that sometimes too. Like I'm stuck in between things right now. I'm not the young, hip 20-something newlywed. And I'm not over 35 with a few kids and a house. I'm just... here.

My self-esteem has taken a beating, and it's starting to show. I try my best to at least say hi to people, but am finding my husband is becoming much better at that then me. I no longer stand up and introduce myself, because I fear that who I am may not be accepted with my peers.

These are things I didn't think I would ever feel. I've always been a very confident person. Just kind of stuck wondering what happened...