Decision time.

I have too much time to think when I am left alone all day. Too much time to weigh pros and cons of life here in Portland. Not just the quick decision to move out here, just the things that are different between the two. Family and friend support, job opportunities, church... the usual.

I had the chance to talk with a therapist last week (as part of a depression research study I've been asked to join) and finally felt I had the choice to finally speak my mind about all of these things that have led to my "severe depression" (doctor's diagnosis). Things such as lack of a strong support group, no family around, lack of interaction with my daughter, my previous feelings with my first marriage and more. It was nice to talk to someone about all that has gone on in the last 10 years. Talk about the good and the bad, the hurt and the anger.

The biggest thing I got out of it was that life here would be better if my head would allow it. How to explain that. In the past, being happy was a mental thing. I chose to see the positive in every thing that was thrown my way. I still do it to a point, but am mentally allowing more and more negativity into my life by choosing to focus on how the choices made in my life effect me in the short-term rather than in the long-term. I know that moving to Portland was a big choice. We both thought that the money Ben was to make would be more than enough to live off of and that I wouldn't have to work, or that the money I did make would go straight for extra things like new furniture, vacations, etc. We were very quickly shown that my small part-time job may not make it.

That seems to be the current stress maker in my life. The choice to stay with an amazing job and little wage, or drop it for a full-time job and more pay. I keep referring to the present and how making more money would be more important than my happiness. And then I look at my past and see that every time that life has started to look good and things are going towards good I run from it. Life in Denver last year, before our initial move out here, was going very very well. We both were making very good money and were surrounded by lots of friends and family. We were able to live life pretty comfortably. Then the prompting came to move out here. I followed it and know that it was the correct choice then and it is now. It's the part of me that needs to remember not to regret decisions made in the past, and to focus on the future and to make sure that what happens next is better and more fulfilling than what may have happened in the past.

Regrets are something I thought I never had. But then those negative little "what if" moments start to creep in my head. Huge life decisions over the last 6 years and wonders on "what if" something would have not ended or gone a different way. I then take a moment and step out of that situation and look really good at my life. I have an amazing and supportive husband who has been through a lot of my bad times and still loves me more and more. I have a brilliant and adorable daughter who loves me and is a part of my life. I have an amazing family who loves and encourages me through all of the crap I've put them through over the years. I have friends who are there when I need someone to gripe and complain to. I have a fantastic job with a family who loves not just me, but my husband as well and has invited us to come and be apart of their family activities and their lives.

It's making the conscience decision to make my life back to to the fun, happy life that it once was. To appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what I wish I had. I have so many blessings in my life and I need to remember what happened in the past is the past. To move forward and to know that in the end everything will work out the way God intended it to be.